Seattle Photoshoots August 5-7!

In an exciting turn of events I am returning to Seattle August 5-7 for photoshoots. If you are interested, email or call or text and I’ll send pricing, details, etc.

Additionally, I’m seeking a couple who is interested in staging an elopement on the beach. My cousin is coming with me, takes gorgeous photos, and wants to shoot a styled beach elopement. If you are interested, or know someone who would be, let me know.

I look forward to seeing anyone who’s up for a rendezvous.

Christina

250 and counting

I wanted to send this email this morning but was too tired last night to write. We have been celebrating America 250 for the last couple months. The girls auditioned and were invited to sing with their choir, Millennial Choirs and Orchestras, at the Academy of Achievement Awards in D.C. (you can see the two redheads in the back row of their warm up in a recent fb post). They sang for Noble Prize Winners, Misty Copeland, famous musicians, Andrew Lloyd Weber, Supreme Court Justices, a former president and first lady, and a host of other accomplished artists, civic leaders, intellectuals, and musicians from around the world. Someone hugged Annie afterward, with tears in her eyes, saying, “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Of course, parents were not admitted to that high-security dinner, but I basked in the choir’s practice on the eve of the event. Ever since I was a young girl, I told myself, “When I grow up, I want a musical family. I want a musical family.” Because I cherish music so much, I feel beyond privileged that my girls love music and chase musical dreams. D.C. was the gift of a lifetime.

Prior to going, I had the girls create the National Mall on our living room floor. They drew and labeled many of the monuments. Tyler ordered a random matching game of popular D.C. sites from Amazon. We played it multiples times per day leading up to the trip. While passing by a window on our Capitol Building tour, May looked out and then shouted, “That’s the Library of Congress!” And it was. We recognized the monuments and museums upon seeing them, and when we visited each, our appreciation deepened for everything they symbolize.

There are two moments that stand out as my favorites from the trip: The Library of Congress and meeting people from the around the world who sacrificed everything they had to come to America and build something they could never build anywhere else. I believe there is nothing more powerful than using one’s agency to create, design, dream, imagine, and then build. Education is life changing. Books. Reading. Study. Deepening one’s knowledge and wisdom. This is sacred to me. I bawled my eyes out in the library of congress—I couldn’t stop. Agency is sacred. It’s what brought people across oceans and borders. It was worth abandoning and sacrificing everything for.

The Peacock Room. National Museum of Asian Art. It was breathtaking. I could have sat in there for an hour basking in it.

Quotes from the Wright Brothers, who failed, and failed, and failed again, which caused them to improve their questions and seek out different and better answers.

The founding documents.

The girls would claim they were tired from walking ~8 miles every day, but as soon as we were around the corner from the hotel they would begin sprinting! They were phenomenal on this trip and I was so proud of them.

Holocaust Museum.

Scooters!

Over the last year I have been studying Thomas Jefferson. His personal education, since his youth, and his ideas of what education can be are seared into my heart and soul and are something I attempt to recreate in my home every day. I know of nothing that suffices for reading classical literature, studying the words of great thinkers of every age, and writing and discussing one’s personal thoughts—whether in agreement or disagreement—about them. Nothing can compensate for reading their actual words rather than another’s interpretation of their words. Again, in my recent experience, this is sacred ground and is changing our hearts and our home, and I praise Jesus because of it.

Just today, I had a discussion with Annie about a book she is reading. As I watched her mind work to narrate the story (of Odysseus and Calypso), and form a response to my challenging question, I could have fallen prostrate on the ground because of her response and the feeling that encompassed us right then. Her eyes lit with confidence. Light emanated from her entire being, bringing a smile to her face that could not conceal the confidence she felt in the answer she devised. I am witnessing the most beautiful and miraculous learning unfold.

The Jefferson Memorial was another of my favorite stops and I loved what he wrote about Independence Day.

Begging everyone for a picture.

Couldn’t stop pressing the shutter.

This was a massive flag anyone could wave around. There were a group of people, all who had immigrated to America, who were holding signs and banners and waving the flag. It was amazing to watch them celebrate a land that offered renewed life and endless hope.

I love these people and am beyond proud to be their mom.

On the metro on performance day.

I made a friend. I knew she could be my soul sister when, within five minutes of meeting, she asked if it would be weird if we exchanged numbers. I was stunned because, of course, I wanted to ask her, but refrained so as not to come off a crazy woman. I heard her family’s story of giving up everything to come to this country—their resolve and resilience.

Her daughter won over MayMay’s heart and the girls played while parents chatted.

She took this picture of the girls before we parted ways.

Half my heart was left in DC and I am reminded of it as I write this post.

(Picture shared with permission.)

Unposed.

The iconic sequin owl jacket. Unseen: the blue sparkly cowgirl boots my mom bought her.

Library of Congress, where I could hardly breathe I was so taken with gratitude, reverence, and the sacred.

My girls.

D.C. temple where Kate attended for the first time, and where the sun was too bright for anyone to keep their eyes open for the picture.

Poses.

Just before we practically ran up a huge hill—hungry and tired—to catch the bus back to the city.

Girls, girls, girls.

I really loved the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. In this picture, May is saying, “Take it now! Take it now!” She wanted the guard (from the 3rd U.S. Infantry Regiment) to be in front of her when I took it.

I had an epiphany here: I was touched by the level of respect each of these guards holds, first, for themselves, then for one another, and also for their position and country. I came home with a renewed desire to notice where I practice (or don’t) respect for myself, for others, or for that which I wish to hold sacred. I feel a desire to grow up, to hold onto myself when I feel ideas diverge from my personal beliefs, and to allow for more imperfection through the journey. I want to remember “all will be well,” and act as such when the glory of difference extends its many arms and invitations.

It was the most beautiful week. The girl’s choir (MCO) will be performing their entire America 250 program at BYU Education Week the evenings of August 19th and 20th. I recommend it to everyone.

And, I forgot to mention, I PASSED MY MSW EXAM! I am a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW)! I am awaiting board approval to start my Supervised Private Practice (SPP). I was handed keys to my new office and then laid on its floor in a moment of silence. Here is my website—the story behind it will be worth telling, in time.

My SPP cannot also offer coaching, only psychotherapy. I will offer coaching through my personal website.

Here’s to adventure. To things not being easy. To the discipline to keep trying, especially when it isn’t easy. To another 250 🇺🇸

Love,

Christina

a leap

MayMay, Goosie, Annie-girl,

Mom is taking a big leap and I want to tell you a story—a journey that began 23 years ago when I didn’t get into the nursing program at BYU-Idaho.

As early as I can remember, I wanted to be a nurse and work in the neonatal unit of a hospital; I wanted to take care of babies! I also used to tell Marielle I wanted 17 children…

Since as long as I can remember, I have never felt smart—not in school, anyway. I didn’t understand anything my teachers were teaching. I had no confidence when it came to learning, taking tests, comprehension, recall. I wouldn’t study for tests because I couldn’t understand what I read. I would just go take them, knowing I’d get a D or C. Learning was hard and took an excruciating amount of time. Teachers didn’t have time to take multiple weeks to teach one concept to a single student. I was always behind and could not grasp how everyone else learned. I felt insecure and embarrassed.

Then I learned I wasn’t bad at teaching myself music. I had a knack for sight reading and for picking up an instrument and learning to play. I started playing the clarinet in jr. high (I wanted to play the flute, but the teacher said my lips were too pointy and I’d never be able to.) I loathed the clarinet so I practiced on my friend’s flute until I could play. When I begged Pa to rent me a flute, he did. I played flute through jr. high and high school—even learning challenging music (literally) overnight (because I didn’t know I was supposed to be practicing on my own), recording the songs with my teacher the next morning. The cassette tape of my playing was sent into a competition where I earned myself the second to last seat in the flute section of the orchestra. Mema and Bacca and Big John came and watched me perform at the concert. Then, I played the alto sax in jazz band. Then, I took voice lessons from John Capik for a year (but once again lacked the confidence to continue). Then, I was learning how to play the violin, until I became pregnant with our beautiful Annie-girl and had to quit my job, violin, and everything else, because I was so ill.

I never felt smart in school, but I felt capable in other ways; I could learn almost anything by doing.

When my low GPA did not qualify me for the nursing program at BYU-I, I wanted to be a photographer. But I thought you had to be born “a creative” and I “learned” in 6th grade—after making a hideous mask—that I wasn’t that, so any artsy majors were out the window.

My patriarchal blessing spoke about receiving revelation about the major I would want to have. When, at BYU-I, I was deciding what major to choose, memories of Clay Aiken on American Idol rolled through my mind, specifically him jumping on a trampoline with a young man with Down Syndrome. I went to the academic advising center and told them what I wanted, “NOT TO BE A TEACHER. I DON’T WANT TO BE A TEACHER! I want to play with babies with disabilities.” It wasn’t because that’s what I wanted, it’s because I felt something tugging me, pulling me that direction. At the time, BYU-Idaho had just begun an Early Childhood/Specialized Education major. I began to cry as the advisor explained the details. She said, “This must really mean something to you. Do you know someone with a disability?” I shook my head.

No.

No connection. Just doing my best to follow the taps (as my friend, Cathy, recently said to me).

After graduation, I landed a job playing with babies (“Play is a Child’s Work”) and coaching their parents. The Spanish team at Kids on the Move, in Orem, UT, became my first dream job. Again, I didn’t feel smart in school, but I easily connected with the families I served and learned rapidly from on-the-job training. I’d shadow my favorite physical therapists and occupational therapists and speech therapists and do what they did. All day I drove to family’s homes, heard stories, laughed and cried, fell in love with them and their babies, and did my best to help in every way I could.

After a few years, Annie was on her way and we moved to Seattle. As life goes, Seattle ground us up and spit us out and that fiery furnace broke open our hearts in preparation for everything else that was to come.

More than 20 years after that moment in the advising center at BYU-Idaho—and a MayMay later—I was walking MIT and Harvard campuses. My insides caught fire: I wasn’t done; I wasn’t done with school. More lines from my patriarchal blessing returned to me and begged fresh questions. 

While I racked my brain, asking what I would return to school for, I texted Marielle. She asked, “Would you ever be a therapist?”

“Never.” 

She says she asked twice. I likely said, “Never” twice. 

I don’t know what happened next, exactly. I can’t remember the details—new awareness was coming so fast. I think since I had published my book, and was listening to more of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, my heart was changing drastically. I was also reading every book I could get my hands on about Buddhism. Elements of my former self were shedding faster than I had ever experienced. And then, one morning, I had the thought, “I’ve just gone through something, overcome something enormous. I can help someone else through this. Do I want to be a therapist?!”

I began looking at MFT programs. It was ~July. Grad school applications were due in October. I had no time to waste. We were trying to move from Utah but we didn’t know where we were going. BYU had an MFT program. Would we move to Provo? I’d go to school in-person? With a 2 year old? Not the right thing…

Still racking my brain, and the internet, I went to the temple. Initiatories—my home away from home. Pouring out my true and honest heart, pleading for help, begging for guidance, clear as day, a thought came, “Check out the U.”

I ran home and jumped on my computer. The University of Utah had an online social work program, with a mental health emphasis. Social work?! I pictured social workers sitting at desks passing (the most depressing of all) paperwork, while getting absolutely nothing done. 

Naturally, I turned to YouTube to study social work and learned: Social workers just might change the world. They can work everywhere, in everything, and it’s all about helping people. They also can be therapists.

It was a no-brainer.

On a whim, I was going to apply to the U’s Master of Social Work Program, but the only reason I could was because, 20 years earlier, I followed the tap to play with babies with special needs. Those years spent years in Human Service work at Kids on the Move, and my time as the relief society president in Ogden, gave me the hours and the essays I needed to complete an application.

Because I had followed the taps decades earlier, I was in a position to exercise more agency. For a moment, I was ablaze.

Then I got scared.

I had to take two pre requisites: human development (not hard) and research (scared me to death). They had to be completed if I were to start school in the fall.

Human development was fine. I juggled my calling—and MayMay climbing to the top of the piano—but I was petrified for the research class. Remember, I didn’t feel smart. I didn’t know how to do research. The only thing I knew was that I could write a paper. Even then, if it wasn’t a memoir, it wasn’t in my repertoire.

I was so scared, girls, that I almost dropped the class, which would have meant that if I were accepted to graduate school, I would not have been able to go. I was so scared for the class, I would picture myself online pressing the “drop” button. The thoughts sounded like, “Quit everything. It was a nice dream. A nice idea. But it’s too much. Give yourself the peace of mind you crave, right now.”

In the midst of this wrestle, December 2023, I sat by Kami at the Messiah sing along at the Ogden Tabernacle. I listened to her gorgeous soprano voice and once again poured out my true and honest heart: “Am I crazy?! Am I doing something ridiculous?! Is this too much for us?! I want to drop that class! Do I drop the research class?! I’m too scared!”

Clear as day the words came, “Don’t drop the class”

I wept.

And wept.

Nothing to do but follow the taps, especially in the face of fear.

22 years ago I never, never, NEVER could have seen how following the taps in such seemingly unconnected ways was actually setting tiny stones into the most healing, stunning mosaic(al) journey we are on, right now. I wish I could see 22 years from now…

Follow the taps.

Now, as graduation approaches, I’ve been considering many options of where to work, but everything has felt unsettling. I practiced staying slow, staying open, observant, whispering, “The right thing will reveal itself in time…”

A couple weeks ago, in a blessed chain of events, I happened to have a day of multiple meetings with friends and former co-workers. It turned into sleuth work, interviewing, pondering. Between meetings dad happened to say, “Well, if you want to start your own practice…”

Magic words. There was no turning back.

My body felt on fire. That was it: I’m (we’re) starting my own practice after graduation.

I spoke with dad for all of 10 minutes, then ran out the door to get pedicures with Emily, where I said the words out loud, “This is it. We are saying—deciding—right now, I’m starting my own practice.”

Everything feels perfectly right. And calm. And slow. And unrushed. And exciting. Puzzle pieces fall into place when and as they’re ready.

Had to throw back to Feb 9, 2024. Taught this kamikaze girl to ski last weekend (while tyler was out of town).

Girls, you can do anything. You will feel your limitations and they may drive you crazy. You may wish you didn’t have them. But stick ‘em in the back seat and punch the gas—you have places to go, things to do, people to rescue, lives to heal, hearts to touch, adventures to have.

Follow the taps.

You’ll find yourself everywhere you didn’t know you wanted to go.

I love you more than these words can express.

Love,

your mama

ps last year I had an epiphany where I realized I likely have an undiagnosed learning disability. I am starting to feel smart. I am learning to notice and accept my natural gifts and talents (which don’t include textbook learning). I appreciate them, want to hone them. I feel thankful for them. And, I’m (slowly) becoming less concerned with what I’m not good at and instead practicing more of what I am! It’s making all the difference.

All We can Do Podcast

All We Can Do Book (I have more books in the works—a children’s book and others).

a cultural misunderstanding re: law/obedience

Merry Christmas!

Podcast: I spent 6 quick episodes getting into the nitty-gritty of faith, repentance, and how hearts are healed and changed (how thoughts, feelings, and actions are healed and changed!)

Here is the latest (youtube) episode that clarifies why laws and commandments do not heal us, change us, or make us more like Jesus. Why does obedience to commandments NOT get us to heaven, NOT make me more like Heavenly Mother (or Father)?

What will judgement day be like? What will Jesus say?

Clarifying this single principle can change everything about how we view God, ourselves, and the world, how we approach Jesus Christ, and how we learn to rely “wholly” “on the merits and mercy and grace of the wholly Messiah”.

It’s a great one!

I hope everyone has a beautiful week full of celebration and (inner) stillness!

Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!

Love,

Christina

Here are all episodes on YouTube and Spotify.

ALL WE CAN DO podcast

I started a podcast. Well, I’m attempting to. It’s a religious podcast, a spiritual podcast, a “faith unto repentance” podcast—a bite-sized-episodes podcast about whatever I read in my scriptures or have learned or lived or currently believe …

Here it is on Spotify

Here it is on YouTube

I hope this copying and pasting works—tech is not my forte (hence my bathtub in the background of the video ;)

Love and the Merriest of Christmases!

Christina

PS I will not send an email every time I upload a podcast. For the latest episodes, one would have to … subscribe ;)

beautiful because of Him


Chatting with one of my best friends today, and witnessing her beautiful life, I remembered: Jesus is making it perfect; I just open my eyes wide and take it all in.

And give thanks.

(2 Samuel 22)

(Photos by @jpryanphoto/@80westcollective) Weston, Idaho

stillness. silence. repeat.

“For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: ‘In returning and rest shall ye be saved, in quietness … shall be your strength;’” Isaiah 30:15

In the book I am reading, The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter, Easter interviews a nutrition guru/genius/out-of-the-box thinker, Trevor Kashey. Speaking of people’s health Kashey says, “I quickly ‘solved’ hundreds of problems just by virtue of improving a person’s awareness of their own behavior … I got the idea to do this from the Hawthorne effect [an idea that people change their behaviors when they know they are being watched] … It’s a nuisance to academic scientists looking for complete control but an integral part of my empirical science where I’m looking to give control back to people (The Comfort Crisis, p. 145).” Kashey helps people bring awareness to themselves so healing can reign. In all I have studied about Jesus Christ, this is exactly how He works with us.

If we want changed behaviors, then we have to become keenly aware of ourselves. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling it? These are difficult questions, the answers to which we tend to cover, bury, and hide with screens, scrolling, avoidance, and other “noise.” The catch is, the more unaware of ourselves we are, the easier it is to blame others for our discomfort. This is the opposite of repentance and healing. Satan would have us believe: I am out of control; when others change, then I will be happy, at peace, calm… An honest awareness of ourselves—our hearts, thoughts, and emotions—is how we reclaim our agency (control), and afford others the liberty of theirs. As soon as we do, “immediately doth the great plan of redemption take place (Alma 34:31)”. Immediately healing (change) begins.

Repentance is simply awareness. God knows everything about us. We are not hiding anything from Him; we hide from (avoid) ourselves, our discomfort. When Adam and Eve partook of the fruit, I believe they then hid from themselves, not God. They did not want to face the discomfort of being honest about what they had done. When God came to them, He invited them to see themselves (and then His Son) clearly. This is where all power and change lies: can I choose to see myself clearly, without excuse, without blaming anyone or anything else for my emotions?

“Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your hearts [don’t cover, bury, or numb your discomfort any longer], immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you (Alma 34:31).” 

The greatest gift we can give ourselves (and God) is (our “true and honest heart”) an awareness of ourselves—every discomfort, pain, sorrow, heartache, illness, and general lack of control we feel. Awareness opens the door for the Savior to do His work. This is our most profound use of agency, it is how we “take our agency back” and “give others their agency back.” Jesus does the work of change, healing, and ultimate perfection. 

We don’t have to change our feelings. We don’t have to make ourselves happier. We don’t have to “work really hard” at overcoming our faults. We simply need awareness—to “be still”—to be okay with being uncomfortable. (Barring abuse), in our stillness during discomfort is where the Savior and the Holy Ghost come to us and heal our hearts. Improved thought, feeling, and action naturally follow the changes they make to our hearts (Mosiah 5:2, Alma 5:7). Change, perfection, and salvation do not come because of what we do, they come because of everything God does—the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The first question the angel asked Alma and the sons of Mosiah “as they were going about rebelling against God (Mosiah 27:13)” was, “why persecutest thou the church of God?” It was an invitation for them to become aware of themselves. Christ offered the same to the woman at the well, “Go, call thy husband, and come hither (John 4:16).” He is always asking us, “Are you aware of yourself?” And then, his invitation is unchanging, “Come. Be still. I will heal you.”

“Do you know who you are (your weakest points?) and do you know who I am (my strongest ones?) Do you know what I do, how I do it?”

—This is how I hear the Savior speak to us.

The deeper we are willing to go–the more aware we are willing to become of ourselves–and the more still we are willing to be, the more healing, strength, and power comes. The Savior has overcome all and gives us power to do the same when we stop scrolling, moving, bustling, and just sit; that is how we allow Him in to the places we wish we could wholly avoid, ourselves.

My invitation this week is to sit. Put phones away. Screens away. Turn the TV off. The music off. Turn off the noise. All of it. And sit. In silence. Sit through the discomfort. Sit for as long as you can. As often as you can. And wait. With no end in sight.

It works. 

He works. 

In time miracles unfold…


From The Comfort Crisis, p. 144:

“The scientist in me would always say, ‘OK, to figure out how to get you to point B, we must find point A.’” said Kashey, after we’d settled into his office and I asked him how he began to develop his methods, the same methods he still uses. “I’ve never believed that people should be doing more or new things. Continuously trying to add more stuff on top of what you’re doing and constantly experimenting with shiny new things is almost never the answer. It just adds another layer of stress and complication. I believe people should be doing less and eliminating limiters to progress. It’s more effective to modify the behaviors and thought patterns that are keeping you from progressing,” said Kashey. “Because your progress is only as good as your most obvious limiter”.


PS We moved to Phoenix a couple weeks ago. It is a dream. Pictures are from our new home.

What I’ve been loving reading lately: How to Meditate Pema Chödrön, The Comfort Crisis Michael Easter, Supercommunicators Charles Duhigg, The Experience of Insight: A Simple and Direct Guide to Buddhist Meditation Joseph Goldstein, Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans Michaeleen Doucleff, Die with Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life Bill Perkins, and many others on Buddhism, specifically.

90 seconds of your time

Hi Friends,

I went on a bike ride yesterday with a friend to pick up her boys from school, where I saw one of my new friends. She shouted from across the sidewalk, “I just started your book! It’s everything I needed to learn.”

My heart has never been happier hearing your thoughts as you read! Thank you for sharing them with me.

Now, I would love help spreading the message: Would you fill out this 3-question form that will recommend me as a guest on the All In Podcast?!

https://forms.office.com/Pages/ResponsePage.aspx?id=8C0N3Eaxc0eXB1i4pV8qwfNoHAadnlFKkli2rvzv4T5UOVVQTkFMV0VDME9UOEoxMUtVTVBUSDUzOCQlQCN0PWcu

Please and thank you, thank you, thank you!

Christina