a leap

MayMay, Goosie, Annie-girl,

Mom is taking a big leap and I want to tell you a story—a journey that began 23 years ago when I didn’t get into the nursing program at BYU-Idaho.

As early as I can remember, I wanted to be a nurse and work in the neonatal unit of a hospital; I wanted to take care of babies! I also used to tell Marielle I wanted 17 children…

Since as long as I can remember, I have never felt smart—not in school, anyway. I didn’t understand anything my teachers were teaching. I had no confidence when it came to learning, taking tests, comprehension, recall. I wouldn’t study for tests because I couldn’t understand what I read. I would just go take them, knowing I’d get a D or C. Learning was hard and took an excruciating amount of time. Teachers didn’t have time to take multiple weeks to teach one concept to a single student. I was always behind and could not grasp how everyone else learned. I felt insecure and embarrassed.

Then I learned I wasn’t bad at teaching myself music. I had a knack for sight reading and for picking up an instrument and learning to play. I started playing the clarinet in jr. high (I wanted to play the flute, but the teacher said my lips were too pointy and I’d never be able to.) I loathed the clarinet so I practiced on my friend’s flute until I could play. When I begged Pa to rent me a flute, he did. I played flute through jr. high and high school—even learning challenging music (literally) overnight (because I didn’t know I was supposed to be practicing on my own), recording the songs with my teacher the next morning. The cassette tape of my playing was sent into a competition where I earned myself the second to last seat in the flute section of the orchestra. Mema and Bacca and Big John came and watched me perform at the concert. Then, I played the alto sax in jazz band. Then, I took voice lessons from John Capik for a year (but once again lacked the confidence to continue). Then, I was learning how to play the violin, until I became pregnant with our beautiful Annie-girl and had to quit my job, violin, and everything else, because I was so ill.

I never felt smart in school, but I felt capable in other ways; I could learn almost anything by doing.

When my low GPA did not qualify me for the nursing program at BYU-I, I wanted to be a photographer. But I thought you had to be born “a creative” and I “learned” in 6th grade—after making a hideous mask—that I wasn’t that, so any artsy majors were out the window.

My patriarchal blessing spoke about receiving revelation about the major I would want to have. When, at BYU-I, I was deciding what major to choose, memories of Clay Aiken on American Idol rolled through my mind, specifically him jumping on a trampoline with a young man with Down Syndrome. I went to the academic advising center and told them what I wanted, “NOT TO BE A TEACHER. I DON’T WANT TO BE A TEACHER! I want to play with babies with disabilities.” It wasn’t because that’s what I wanted, it’s because I felt something tugging me, pulling me that direction. At the time, BYU-Idaho had just begun an Early Childhood/Specialized Education major. I began to cry as the advisor explained the details. She said, “This must really mean something to you. Do you know someone with a disability?” I shook my head.

No.

No connection. Just doing my best to follow the taps (as my friend, Cathy, recently said to me).

After graduation, I landed a job playing with babies (“Play is a Child’s Work”) and coaching their parents. The Spanish team at Kids on the Move, in Orem, UT, became my first dream job. Again, I didn’t feel smart in school, but I easily connected with the families I served and learned rapidly from on-the-job training. I’d shadow my favorite physical therapists and occupational therapists and speech therapists and do what they did. All day I drove to family’s homes, heard stories, laughed and cried, fell in love with them and their babies, and did my best to help in every way I could.

After a few years, Annie was on her way and we moved to Seattle. As life goes, Seattle ground us up and spit us out and that fiery furnace broke open our hearts in preparation for everything else that was to come.

More than 20 years after that moment in the advising center at BYU-Idaho—and a MayMay later—I was walking MIT and Harvard campuses. My insides caught fire: I wasn’t done; I wasn’t done with school. More lines from my patriarchal blessing returned to me and begged fresh questions. 

While I racked my brain, asking what I would return to school for, I texted Marielle. She asked, “Would you ever be a therapist?”

“Never.” 

She says she asked twice. I likely said, “Never” twice. 

I don’t know what happened next, exactly. I can’t remember the details—new awareness was coming so fast. I think since I had published my book, and was listening to more of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, my heart was changing drastically. I was also reading every book I could get my hands on about Buddhism. Elements of my former self were shedding faster than I had ever experienced. And then, one morning, I had the thought, “I’ve just gone through something, overcome something enormous. I can help someone else through this. Do I want to be a therapist?!”

I began looking at MFT programs. It was ~July. Grad school applications were due in October. I had no time to waste. We were trying to move from Utah but we didn’t know where we were going. BYU had an MFT program. Would we move to Provo? I’d go to school in-person? With a 2 year old? Not the right thing…

Still racking my brain, and the internet, I went to the temple. Initiatories—my home away from home. Pouring out my true and honest heart, pleading for help, begging for guidance, clear as day, a thought came, “Check out the U.”

I ran home and jumped on my computer. The University of Utah had an online social work program, with a mental health emphasis. Social work?! I pictured social workers sitting at desks passing (the most depressing of all) paperwork, while getting absolutely nothing done. 

Naturally, I turned to YouTube to study social work and learned: Social workers just might change the world. They can work everywhere, in everything, and it’s all about helping people. They also can be therapists.

It was a no-brainer.

On a whim, I was going to apply to the U’s Master of Social Work Program, but the only reason I could was because, 20 years earlier, I followed the tap to play with babies with special needs. Those years spent years in Human Service work at Kids on the Move, and my time as the relief society president in Ogden, gave me the hours and the essays I needed to complete an application.

Because I had followed the taps decades earlier, I was in a position to exercise more agency. For a moment, I was ablaze.

Then I got scared.

I had to take two pre requisites: human development (not hard) and research (scared me to death). They had to be completed if I were to start school in the fall.

Human development was fine. I juggled my calling—and MayMay climbing to the top of the piano—but I was petrified for the research class. Remember, I didn’t feel smart. I didn’t know how to do research. The only thing I knew was that I could write a paper. Even then, if it wasn’t a memoir, it wasn’t in my repertoire.

I was so scared, girls, that I almost dropped the class, which would have meant that if I were accepted to graduate school, I would not have been able to go. I was so scared for the class, I would picture myself online pressing the “drop” button. The thoughts sounded like, “Quit everything. It was a nice dream. A nice idea. But it’s too much. Give yourself the peace of mind you crave, right now.”

In the midst of this wrestle, December 2023, I sat by Kami at the Messiah sing along at the Ogden Tabernacle. I listened to her gorgeous soprano voice and once again poured out my true and honest heart: “Am I crazy?! Am I doing something ridiculous?! Is this too much for us?! I want to drop that class! Do I drop the research class?! I’m too scared!”

Clear as day the words came, “Don’t drop the class”

I wept.

And wept.

Nothing to do but follow the taps, especially in the face of fear.

22 years ago I never, never, NEVER could have seen how following the taps in such seemingly unconnected ways was actually setting tiny stones into the most healing, stunning mosaic(al) journey we are on, right now. I wish I could see 22 years from now…

Follow the taps.

Now, as graduation approaches, I’ve been considering many options of where to work, but everything has felt unsettling. I practiced staying slow, staying open, observant, whispering, “The right thing will reveal itself in time…”

A couple weeks ago, in a blessed chain of events, I happened to have a day of multiple meetings with friends and former co-workers. It turned into sleuth work, interviewing, pondering. Between meetings dad happened to say, “Well, if you want to start your own practice…”

Magic words. There was no turning back.

My body felt on fire. That was it: I’m (we’re) starting my own practice after graduation.

I spoke with dad for all of 10 minutes, then ran out the door to get pedicures with Emily, where I said the words out loud, “This is it. We are saying—deciding—right now, I’m starting my own practice.”

Everything feels perfectly right. And calm. And slow. And unrushed. And exciting. Puzzle pieces fall into place when and as they’re ready.

Had to throw back to Feb 9, 2024. Taught this kamikaze girl to ski last weekend (while tyler was out of town).

Girls, you can do anything. You will feel your limitations and they may drive you crazy. You may wish you didn’t have them. But stick ‘em in the back seat and punch the gas—you have places to go, things to do, people to rescue, lives to heal, hearts to touch, adventures to have.

Follow the taps.

You’ll find yourself everywhere you didn’t know you wanted to go.

I love you more than these words can express.

Love,

your mama

ps last year I had an epiphany where I realized I likely have an undiagnosed learning disability. I am starting to feel smart. I am learning to notice and accept my natural gifts and talents (which don’t include textbook learning). I appreciate them, want to hone them. I feel thankful for them. And, I’m (slowly) becoming less concerned with what I’m not good at and instead practicing more of what I am! It’s making all the difference.

Mary and Martha and Differentiation

Tonight I’m thinking of the New Testament, but soon I will be podcasting about the Old. I had the best study of Moses chapter 1 last week: Mental health meets the OT. Can hardly wait!

Today began my last first day of my last semester of school; the sun shines and the birds sing.

Back to Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42).

Jesus visits Mary and Martha’s home. Martha is busying herself. Mary “sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word.”

This is one beautiful scripture story on differentiation.

Differentiation is monumental. It’s an indicator of emotional maturity and growth. Differentiation means: I am able to be myself, and I can allow you to be yourself, and I can still love you and stay connected to you. Differentiation means accepting one another’s differences without losing ourselves to panic, avoidance, pressuring, anxiety, or abandoning and betraying Self (or others).

As I become differentiated, I am less dependent on anyone or anything else for my sense of Self—my sense of calm, security, wellness, joy, happiness, and emotional wellbeing.

I believe Gods to be perfectly differentiated; they can feel joy and pain without emotions (theirs or others’) hijacking their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors. They can experience disappointment, pain, and sorrow and remain the primary actor of their life.

Martha is (in this moment, anyway) not able to stay differentiated. She regresses (as we all do!) Martha uses triangulation (another vulnerability) to bypass Mary and approach Jesus to tell Him to make Mary help her.

It’s so good. Read that paragraph three times. I can’t help giggling as I type.

Jesus, of course, does not take the bait. He puts Martha’s responsibility for Martha’s emotional dysregulation and Martha’s regressed state back on Martha. He does not get caught up in her emotion and states something simple and true, “Thou art careful and troubled about many things”.

I hear Jesus saying, “Martha, I understand you are worried about the house. It’s okay for you to be worried about the house. But Mary is not worried about the house. You are welcome to be worried about the house and Mary is welcome not to be worried about the house. What would you like to do about it?”

Jesus also could have said, “If you would like to invite Mary and myself to help you, you may. We might accept the invitation, or we might choose to sit. Ultimately, how you choose spend your time—and Mary her’s—is up to each of you.”

Martha’s agency has just expanded! If she chooses to do the hard work of seeing herself clearly, and her own dysregulation, she will see the situation (and herself) more clearly. She has been given an opportunity to grow. It is now up to her to decide to take it.

Martha could use her agency to 1. Choose to ask for help, 2. Choose to sit also, or 3. Choose to return to busying herself, alone, deep breathing to settle her frustration and anxiety. It would be the ultimate practice in “giving everyone their agency back”—in allowing Mary to choose to sit and allowing herself, Martha, to choose to be busy (or sit also).

One of the ways Martha became dysregulated, regressed, and dependent was by making her problem Mary’s problem. Martha wanted the house tidied, right then, while Jesus was guest. She was saying, “Mary, stop doing what you want to do and come over and do what I want you to do; stop sitting there calmly and come worry about what I am worried about, what I want you to be worried about.”

It helps to understand that Martha’s ego will be screaming at her regardless of what she chooses, but if she does not capitulate to Ego’s distress and, therefore, seek to control those around her, her ego will deflate and her divine, core Self will radiate wiser and less stressed, less blown about with “every wind of [emotion].” Her increased capacity for agency will hold its expanded state.

My clients will ask me, “But how do I stop?! How do I do it?!” And I say, “Just pause. For now, just notice. Don’t do anything yet. Simply become aware of moments you are dependent on someone else to change their behavior in order to settle your stress, anxiety, and discomfort. Notice the itchiness and sensations in your own mind and body that you formerly “escaped” by clinging to someone or something outside of you. Pause. And notice. And breathe. And pause. You will begin to see verrrry clearly, in time, in the pause.”

Love to you all and a Happy New Year!

Christina

Disclaimers:

1. The pause DOES NOT apply when someone is in imminent danger. If you or someone else needs immediate assistance, call 9-1-1. Or dial 9-8-8 for the national suicide and crisis line.

2. I’m still an intern, learning as I go. I’m sure this is imperfect but I don’t know why, yet. ha.

3. I believe differentiation comes from Bowen Theory. I also study a lot of Dr. Jennifer Finlaysen-Fife’s work, who also discusses differentiation. I also study other theorists and therapists (and, naturally, ChatGPT).

4. Photos by our incredible Amy Judd

5. Here is the All We Can Do Podcast on Spotify and YouTube

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I’ve been pondering the Babe, born in a manger, whose birth changed the world.

It’s a miracle to be alive, to live this life.

Pema Chödrön wrote, “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

This Christmas season has me noticing what I cling to and reevaluating if I want to continue in that inner panic.

“To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of … gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior.”

“Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors—people who have a certain hunger to know what is true—feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us … to [wake] up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck.”

That which I least desire, happening right now, is my greatest teacher and greatest opportunity. If I move toward it—fully allow it to permeate me, and practice compassion and curiosity—the dread, panic, clinging, and control will soften and a rebirth will occur. A thousand times a day we are offered a chance at rebirth.

“When we reach our limit, if we aspire to know that place fully—which is to say that we aspire to neither indulge nor repress—a hardness in us will dissolve. We will be softened by the sheer force of whatever energy—the energy of anger, the energy of disappointment, the energy of fear. When it's not solidified in one direction or another, that very energy pierces us to the heart, and it opens us. This is the discovery of egolessness. It's when all our usual schemes fall apart.”

Humans are always scheming but are often blind to it. The “fall aparts” allow us entry into ourselves so we can choose whether we wish to continue, or if we’d rather bring honesty and deeper intimacy to ourselves and our relationships. This is the path to freedom and is the miracle of the Babe, born in a manger, whose own birth offers my rebirth one “fall apart” at a time.

We were recently discussing New Year’s Resolutions. Mine might go, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” Light comes from Him. Peace comes from Him. Not from something outside of me—something I am clinging to—rather, from within, as I embrace and lean toward life’s natural disappointments, discomforts, and disturbances, and allow them to show me something about myself I cannot see.

“Oh, come, let us adore him, Christ, the Lord”, He who intimately knows—and imbues with power—those who surrender to that which they most wish to avoid.

I dearly love you and wish you a wonderful Christmas week, one fully awake to “grief, relief, misery, and joy” and the rebirth they all offer.

Christina Judd

Quotes from Pema Chödrön’s book When Things Fall Apart.

Scripture reference: Psalms 119:105

Photos by our beautiful cousin, Amy.

none of it is my work

There are two things I know for certain: Our immortality and eternal life are not ours to earn—no amount of good works makes us deserving of either—and, we are fully loved by our Heavenly Parents and Savior, right now, regardless of what we are or are not doing. Mortality is working—Jesus is working—regardless of what we are or are not doing.

I sat across from client after client last year while doing therapy—people who did not even believe in God—and I watched Him perform miracles for them, heal them, love them, hold them. I watched how close He was to them. How He led them. How mortality was working for them. And they didn’t even believe He existed.

Mortality works. Jesus works. Not because of what we do but because of who Jesus Christ is.

Recently, I was upstairs reading. May was whining louder every minute, bugging her sisters who were doing school. They tried to fend her off. She screamed louder. The big girls were now shouting so I went downstairs. I picked May up (her screaming, “AANNNIIIEEE STTTOOOPPPPPPP!!” with her eyes closed). When she opened them and saw me, she said, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll stop! I won’t do it anymore!” (Lies.) I carried her out the back door, which I usually lock shut, so I (and hopefully she) can calm down. But with my recent fresh view of God—that They like us and love us even when we cannot like or love ourselves—I have also gained a fresh view of myself and of my children.

I went outside with May and closed the door behind us. She softened and we simply chatted. When she could tell me what was happening in her own mind and body, I pulled her close, snuggled her into me, and said, “I just like you so much!” (what she usually says to us, hand in hand, on our dark, late-night walks.) While this was only a 3-year-old problem, I believe it spans eternity. She was not mine to solve, to fix, to make all better. I just needed to be there.

Jennifer Finlayson-Fife has said collaboration is doing 100% of what is our responsibility and 0% of what is not.

The perfect example of this, for me, is the angel who came to the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. He was not there to make it better, make it hurt less, heal it or fix it or change it; he was not there to make things easier for the Savior. His goal was not to help the Savior suffer less. That wasn’t his responsibility. He was simply to be there. The Savior had to carry 100% of what was his responsibility.

I make myself stronger, and allow my children to choose strength (if they want it, they might not—right now), when I do not take upon myself even 1% of their responsibility.

We are made perfect by the things which we suffer (Heb 2:10, 5:8). If those we love are suffering, we remember that mortality is still working on them, and on us, and that Jesus has them. We are wise to discern what is our responsibility and what is not. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually, and give others the freedom to do the same.

I recently spoke with one father whose grown son is suffering. He desperately wants to help him (fix it). I shared with him that his own personal growth, healing, and change will be the miracle that comes of his no longer trying to fix or solve someone else.

Submission to the suffering, the discomfort—exactly what Christ exemplified—brings sanctification, purification, perfection. “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” It’s all His work.

Here are some recent podcasts that have been soul-filling and healing to me, that have specifically reminded me to “Be still”—especially in my own suffering, and as I see others suffer.

Greg McKeown: Essentialism—A Disciple’s Path (This book and idea has completely changed my life over the last month).

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/allinpodcastlds/videos/e19-greg-mckeown-essentialisma-disciples-path/1001250643405268/

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0nKraShy8h0tmbHbl6lsT5?si=MTdN_uJmQZOgA8_mG_rKNA&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A4kaSLlY13YOKLcXr7DWbTC

Ashley called me to say she was reading At One Ment by Thomas Wirthlin McConkie and I immediately bought it. I read the first five pages three times. So far, it’s everything I believe mortality, Jesus, and the world is (but I’m savoring it and still in chapter 1).

Here is a podcast episode that was also a soothing balm by Thomas McConkie:

Quiet Confidence: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/quiet-confidence/id1281666719?i=1000708879205

President Uchtdorf recently spoke at BYU about joy and sorrow, “If you wait for sorrow to end before you experience joy, you might miss joy completely. To experience a measure of sorrow may enable your heart and mind to receive pure heavenly joy!” https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/dieter-f-uchtdorf/joyfully-receive-the-unexpected-messiah/

All my love (and stillness—not in the absence of sorrow) to each of you,

Christina

One more random thought. The other day Tyler and I were chatting about me starting my own mental health practice (which is not in our plans, I was just dreaming). I asked, “What would we call it?” (I did my internship last year at Just Be Counseling Services and it was a dream!) Tyler said, “Well, Kelsey’s practice is Just Be, yours can be Just Breathe Counseling Services.” I died.

When we stop doing and start breathing a host of problems disappear.

It is there I find God.

a cultural misunderstanding re: law/obedience

Merry Christmas!

Podcast: I spent 6 quick episodes getting into the nitty-gritty of faith, repentance, and how hearts are healed and changed (how thoughts, feelings, and actions are healed and changed!)

Here is the latest (youtube) episode that clarifies why laws and commandments do not heal us, change us, or make us more like Jesus. Why does obedience to commandments NOT get us to heaven, NOT make me more like Heavenly Mother (or Father)?

What will judgement day be like? What will Jesus say?

Clarifying this single principle can change everything about how we view God, ourselves, and the world, how we approach Jesus Christ, and how we learn to rely “wholly” “on the merits and mercy and grace of the wholly Messiah”.

It’s a great one!

I hope everyone has a beautiful week full of celebration and (inner) stillness!

Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!

Love,

Christina

Here are all episodes on YouTube and Spotify.

ALL WE CAN DO podcast

I started a podcast. Well, I’m attempting to. It’s a religious podcast, a spiritual podcast, a “faith unto repentance” podcast—a bite-sized-episodes podcast about whatever I read in my scriptures or have learned or lived or currently believe …

Here it is on Spotify

Here it is on YouTube

I hope this copying and pasting works—tech is not my forte (hence my bathtub in the background of the video ;)

Love and the Merriest of Christmases!

Christina

PS I will not send an email every time I upload a podcast. For the latest episodes, one would have to … subscribe ;)

smatterings

My girls,

The more I learn about counseling clients, the more I believe in un-knowing, not-knowing. The more a therapist walks alongside their client, the more information they wait for their client to reveal to them.

In our culture of “I know”, I believe there is a quiet confidence in not knowing; and lately, it’s where I am finding “home”, finding God. It is good to say “I know ____ is true” to the extent that my very next question is, “But what more can be true?” or “What else can I know?” Then, when my light and knowledge has grown regarding a topic, it becomes clear that what I formerly “knew” wasn’t entirely true, but a path to more truth (which won’t be entirely true either. This has been my, very limited, experience with the words: “growing brighter and brighter until the perfect day”.)

Not-knowing seems a gateway to experiencing…observing…asking…pondering…wondering… and is increasing my capacity for stillness, for waiting.

There is something I believe I know, that seems to hold true in every situation in our mortal sojourn: faith is always “unto repentance”, which simply means looking at Jesus Christ in every thought. I don’t do anything more to earn salvation or exaltation or anything of the sort; I look at Jesus. He does the healing, the changing, the perfecting, the growing, the mending, the repairing, the “still-ing". I look—He does everything else. These verses tonight reminded me of this truth I believe in so deeply.

“Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things … that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in you hearts.”

In other words, before you even get into the reading and the praying and whatnot, just remember. remember Him. Remember how merciful He is, has always been, and always will be. Remember His infinite sacrifice, which He uses to offer everyone infinite amounts of mercy. If, one day, you don’t know where to go or what to do or what to think, consider beginning there: mercy.

(As an aside, as I read and write about this verse, I read the last line differently. I heard Moroni say, “when you read these things, remember the Lord’s mercy … ‘and ponder it in your hearts.’” Just spend time there, pondering—mercy—and see what happens… That’s a beautiful thought for me.)

As I continued reading Moroni 10, I arrived at verse 26. Mormon is speaking with some passion about things “he knows.” “And wo unto them who shall do these things away and die, for they die in their sins, and they cannot be saved in the kingdom of God; and I speak it according to the words of Christ; and I lie not.” I don’t believe Mormon is lying, I think that every verse in the Book of Mormon needs a follow up line, “unless they repent” or “as oft as my people repent” or “if you repent” or…a million other ways to say “BUT, REPENTANCE.” I feel Mormon’s passion. I am a passionate person. I love to “know” what I “know.” But therein lies my ever-continuing lesson: Awareness of what I don’t know might be proving more powerful than anything else of which I might say, “I know.”

Here are some things about which I (right now) like to say “I know”

I know Jesus loves us, loves everyone. I know we all need Him, one not any less than another. In other words, we all need an infinite Jesus to cover all of us. There is no part of me that does not need him; there is no part of anyone else that does not need Him, no matter how “good” or “bad” our actions. Every child of God needs a Savior to cover all of them. There is nothing I can do, no matter how good, that causes me to need Him any less than anyone else. Everyone will be saved and exalted and perfected “on conditions of repentance” and “in no other way.” It doesn’t matter what we do; it matters what HE did, and HE did all.

These are my favorite things to know.

I love you, my beautiful, beautiful girls. Love, your mama

Moroni 10:3, 26

D&C 50:24

And others…

My bio is live! I can start accepting clients now at my internship. Click here and scroll to the bottom to read my blurb.

My dear friend, Marné, is making vintage bow ties (fully adjustable), long ties, Christmas dresses, and bows for Christmas! Every item is made from vintage and repurposed fabric. She is an expert seamstress!! Her Insta is @OrchardBlossoms and here is her Etsy link.

The girls are singing in the Millennial Choirs and Orchestras Christmas performance in December and I can hardly wait.

Lastly, I get to speak at a single’s conference here in Arizona in December, which I am entirely thrilled about.

Love you all. Happy Wednesday.

What I’m reading

Fight Right

In an Unspoken Voice

Radical Acceptance

and a bunch of textbooks

Also, squarespace changed how I can insert photos and I Keep forgetting not to type everything all at once because I cannot insert a photo into the middle of it. If i have that wrong, someone please help me.

North Carolina Needs Our Help

One of my favorite people (Brenda, who lives in NC) sent this message to our group yesterday. Any and all help is appreciated.

“Hey friends! If you haven’t heard the western part of North Carolina, even as close as 45 min west of us, have been flooded, small towns washed away, people missing, no power or food since Friday. It’s a war zone out there. My sis in law in Utah told me they haven’t seen or heard very much about it which is surprising to me. It’s really bad. Tons of dead bodies are just floating around because they don’t have the resources to clear them. I think FEMA just got involved but what’s amazing is the people here, regular citizens, just got right to work. We have been working with this small airport that has volunteer pilots flying to all these tiny towns that haven’t seen help at all. We have been collecting items to pack and send on trailers and small planes/helicopters. We’ve bought our own donations and people here have been so generous however we are seeing our own local stores depleted of basic goods for our own towns. Water, diapers, formula etc are out. People still need so much help. I can’t even imagine what they are going through just what I’ve seen and it’s hard to imagine. I’ve seen people strapping their horses with supplies, friends taking their side by sides into the mountains, driving crazy roads just to get to people and get them supplies. This is my home, these are my people that have adopted me as a Carolinian. I’m heartbroken for all the small towns we’ve traveled to and loved. I wouldn’t normally ask but these are people that would drop everything and help us, too, because that’s the kind of people they are. If you are able to please use this Amazon wish list (https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3R45PD0O48IKE?ref_=wl_share ) to buy items they need. You can use the address they have or ship them to me (225 Cove Creek Loop, Mooresville, NC, 28117) and I can bring them. I go there everyday so I can bring them asap. If you can’t, please pray and pass this along to family/friends. I love you all.”

The pilots (on their own dime) are flying to the remote areas no one can reach, taking aid, and coming back telling people what more the families need who live out there. If people cannot contact loved ones, the pilots go out searching. Moms might have formula but no bottles. Shelves in neighboring towns are being emptied because everything is sent to those who lost all. Workers chopping trees are being attacked by yellow jackets. It is dire in every way. Every day new needs arise. Here is a link to know what is needed that day:

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61566554308647&name=xhp_nt__fb__action__open_user

Pictures of life in our new home.

a reminder

My beautiful girls,

I recently heard a song that said something like, “We praise God in Jesus name…”

Jesus is God. He has earned that station for himself and for every single one of us. His work and glory is to elevate us there. And so it is Him of who I talk and preach and prophesy and worship and praise with my whole soul, “to the convincing of the Jew and Gentile and that JESUS is the CHRIST, the ETERNAL GOD”.

He is your lifeline, your momentum, the solution to every problem, the answer to every question. Everything you need flows from Him to you. And when He seems silent, He is offering you time and space to grow from your own experience; letting you choose for yourself. He is all-knowing and all-powerful and lives to make you the same. 

Mama loves you. I wish I could parent like Him. When I can’t, remember Him. He’ll show you everything you need to know.

To my friends,

We have had quite the change of events over here. I started school this week! I am in the online Master’s of Social Work program through the University of Utah. My end goal is to become a trauma therapist. I am doing my practicum at a counseling clinic nearby, and am thrilled to be learning from my field instructor.

In the last couple years I have experienced a purging of stuff that I did not even know was inside of me. Now that it is dissipating, I have experienced so much healing, growth, and change, and want to help others through their own journey of facing themselves—of going to the places inside of them that hurt the most so they can be healed.

There is no work more powerful than being able to see one’s self clearly. It can be easy to think we can see everyone else clearly, can solve their problems, know what they need to change; but to see one’s self clearly is a miracle and a gift, and where all healing begins. No matter what’s happening on the outside, I need change and healing inside of me.

There is no lesson in my life that I have learned that is more powerful than this: If I have problems, if I am uncomfortable, there is no one to look at, blame, or point fingers at—it’s all in me. Repair will begin the moment I stop looking out and look in.

I thank God—Jesus—for attuning my eyes to me so I could then turn to Him to be healed.

Lastly, I will be at Faith Matter’s Restore conference in Sandy, UT, selling my book! Sept 5-7. A generous donor wanted everyone to have the opportunity to attend Restore, so tickets are $25. Use code BUDDYPASS to get a $25 ticket. There is no limit.

References

Book of Mormon, Title Page

2 Nephi 25:26

Mosiah 4:11

Matthew 12:35

We went to the beach for our last few days of freedom last week and ate açaí bowls every day.

beautiful because of Him

Chatting with one of my best friends today, and witnessing her beautiful life, I remembered: Jesus is making it perfect; I just open my eyes wide and take it all in.

And give thanks.

(2 Samuel 22)

(Photos by @jpryanphoto/@80westcollective) Weston, Idaho

stillness. silence. repeat.

“For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: ‘In returning and rest shall ye be saved, in quietness … shall be your strength;’” Isaiah 30:15

In the book I am reading, The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter, Easter interviews a nutrition guru/genius/out-of-the-box thinker, Trevor Kashey. Speaking of people’s health Kashey says, “I quickly ‘solved’ hundreds of problems just by virtue of improving a person’s awareness of their own behavior … I got the idea to do this from the Hawthorne effect [an idea that people change their behaviors when they know they are being watched] … It’s a nuisance to academic scientists looking for complete control but an integral part of my empirical science where I’m looking to give control back to people (The Comfort Crisis, p. 145).” Kashey helps people bring awareness to themselves so healing can reign. In all I have studied about Jesus Christ, this is exactly how He works with us.

If we want changed behaviors, then we have to become keenly aware of ourselves. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling it? These are difficult questions, the answers to which we tend to cover, bury, and hide with screens, scrolling, avoidance, and other “noise.” The catch is, the more unaware of ourselves we are, the easier it is to blame others for our discomfort. This is the opposite of repentance and healing. Satan would have us believe: I am out of control; when others change, then I will be happy, at peace, calm… An honest awareness of ourselves—our hearts, thoughts, and emotions—is how we reclaim our agency (control), and afford others the liberty of theirs. As soon as we do, “immediately doth the great plan of redemption take place (Alma 34:31)”. Immediately healing (change) begins.

Repentance is simply awareness. God knows everything about us. We are not hiding anything from Him; we hide from (avoid) ourselves, our discomfort. When Adam and Eve partook of the fruit, I believe they then hid from themselves, not God. They did not want to face the discomfort of being honest about what they had done. When God came to them, He invited them to see themselves (and then His Son) clearly. This is where all power and change lies: can I choose to see myself clearly, without excuse, without blaming anyone or anything else for my emotions?

“Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your hearts [don’t cover, bury, or numb your discomfort any longer], immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you (Alma 34:31).” 

The greatest gift we can give ourselves (and God) is (our “true and honest heart”) an awareness of ourselves—every discomfort, pain, sorrow, heartache, illness, and general lack of control we feel. Awareness opens the door for the Savior to do His work. This is our most profound use of agency, it is how we “take our agency back” and “give others their agency back.” Jesus does the work of change, healing, and ultimate perfection. 

We don’t have to change our feelings. We don’t have to make ourselves happier. We don’t have to “work really hard” at overcoming our faults. We simply need awareness—to “be still”—to be okay with being uncomfortable. (Barring abuse), in our stillness during discomfort is where the Savior and the Holy Ghost come to us and heal our hearts. Improved thought, feeling, and action naturally follow the changes they make to our hearts (Mosiah 5:2, Alma 5:7). Change, perfection, and salvation do not come because of what we do, they come because of everything God does—the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The first question the angel asked Alma and the sons of Mosiah “as they were going about rebelling against God (Mosiah 27:13)” was, “why persecutest thou the church of God?” It was an invitation for them to become aware of themselves. Christ offered the same to the woman at the well, “Go, call thy husband, and come hither (John 4:16).” He is always asking us, “Are you aware of yourself?” And then, his invitation is unchanging, “Come. Be still. I will heal you.”

“Do you know who you are (your weakest points?) and do you know who I am (my strongest ones?) Do you know what I do, how I do it?”

—This is how I hear the Savior speak to us.

The deeper we are willing to go–the more aware we are willing to become of ourselves–and the more still we are willing to be, the more healing, strength, and power comes. The Savior has overcome all and gives us power to do the same when we stop scrolling, moving, bustling, and just sit; that is how we allow Him in to the places we wish we could wholly avoid, ourselves.

My invitation this week is to sit. Put phones away. Screens away. Turn the TV off. The music off. Turn off the noise. All of it. And sit. In silence. Sit through the discomfort. Sit for as long as you can. As often as you can. And wait. With no end in sight.

It works. 

He works. 

In time miracles unfold…

From The Comfort Crisis, p. 144:

“The scientist in me would always say, ‘OK, to figure out how to get you to point B, we must find point A.’” said Kashey, after we’d settled into his office and I asked him how he began to develop his methods, the same methods he still uses. “I’ve never believed that people should be doing more or new things. Continuously trying to add more stuff on top of what you’re doing and constantly experimenting with shiny new things is almost never the answer. It just adds another layer of stress and complication. I believe people should be doing less and eliminating limiters to progress. It’s more effective to modify the behaviors and thought patterns that are keeping you from progressing,” said Kashey. “Because your progress is only as good as your most obvious limiter”.

PS We moved to Phoenix a couple weeks ago. It is a dream. Pictures are from our new home.

What I’ve been loving reading lately: How to Meditate Pema Chödrön, The Comfort Crisis Michael Easter, Supercommunicators Charles Duhigg, The Experience of Insight: A Simple and Direct Guide to Buddhist Meditation Joseph Goldstein, Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans Michaeleen Doucleff, Die with Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life Bill Perkins, and many others on Buddhism, specifically.

miracles

I cannot begin to share the experiences others share with me as they read All We Can Do: a fresh view of God, ourselves, and the world. They are leaving me speechless and in tears. Thank you for reading it, for sharing it, and for sharing your thoughts and miracles with me.

I spoke at a Young Women/Young Men mutual event this week and will speak at girl’s camp this summer. Wednesday evening I was blown away by how amazing the youth are—eyes wide open trying to catch it all, raising their hands constantly to read verses, shouting out answers to questions, deeply engaged with our scripture study. I left wishing I could hug all of them, hear their hearts, and follow their lives—what they do and who they become.

I also began writing for a blog this year

January: https://latterdaydisciples.com/firstarticleoffaith/

February: https://latterdaydisciples.com/articles-of-faith-2-3/

February: https://latterdaydisciples.com/love-thy-neighbor/

March: https://latterdaydisciples.com/opposition/

Lastly, Megan (from the Latter-day Disciples Podcast) and I had this conversation, which was so fun! The non-youtube version can be found anywhere you listen to podcasts. Here is the Apple version.

There are a few changes on our horizon, once again. Maybe the Judds wouldn’t be the Judds without moving around so much. If you know anyone selling or renting a house in Arizona, we might be interested…

So much love and gratitude for this ongoing restoration, for the light and knowledge that rains down on all who seek truth. I cannot say thank you enough for sharing this journey with me.

Love,

Christina Judd

Photo Above: The girls are in the Salt Lake Children’s Choir. The choir sang at the Interfaith Roundtable in the Tabernacle on Temple Square on Sunday.

Photo Below: Vanessa Quigley, CEO of Chatbooks, posted this to her Insta stories in January!

90 seconds of your time

Hi Friends,

I went on a bike ride yesterday with a friend to pick up her boys from school, where I saw one of my new friends. She shouted from across the sidewalk, “I just started your book! It’s everything I needed to learn.”

My heart has never been happier hearing your thoughts as you read! Thank you for sharing them with me.

Now, I would love help spreading the message: Would you fill out this 3-question form that will recommend me as a guest on the All In Podcast?!

https://forms.office.com/Pages/ResponsePage.aspx?id=8C0N3Eaxc0eXB1i4pV8qwfNoHAadnlFKkli2rvzv4T5UOVVQTkFMV0VDME9UOEoxMUtVTVBUSDUzOCQlQCN0PWcu

Please and thank you, thank you, thank you!

Christina

thank you (forever and ever and ever)

To all who purchased, read, and shared my book,

Thank you!

To all who purchased 1-25 more copies for those you love,

Thank you!

To all who requested it at their library,

Thank you!

To all who rated and reviewed it,

Thank you!

I cannot say thank you enough!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you for sharing this journey with me!

And now …

I have already begun my next book. It’s fantastic. 

Part II of the next book is a compilation of your miracles!

If you read All We Can Do and are “trying the experiment” (exercising faith unto repentance), and the veil parts and you receive miracles, I would love add them to the book. 

If you feel comfortable doing so, you can share them with me. You are welcome to invite whoever comes to your mind to share as well. You can use the hashtag #allwecandobook to spread the word. 

Anyone who wants to change their name may do so at will. You can send stories my way via my email address or website:

Christinanjudd@gmail.com

Christinajudd.com

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I love you all!

THANK YOU!

Christina

PS I can sell boxes of my book at a discounted rate. They take ~14 days to arrive to you.

PPS I wish you the most joyous and wonderful holidays!

xxoo

From the Costco parking lot

From the day we walked up the hill to watch the sunset

From Newport Beach

She dominates my brain and now my blog…

Another Podcast!

Hi Everyone!

MayMay is lying in my bed, snoring. 5 seconds pass. Then 10. I start to wonder, Wait. Is she actually asleep? And then a high-pitched “Dus Kiddeen” and I laugh out loud.

I had the most beautiful privilege of chatting with Richard Ostler on his Listen, Learn, and Love Podcast last week. The episode went live yesterday. If you don’t have time for the full hour, feel free to start in the middle. The last 20-30 minutes are especially beautiful.

Here are a few links that will take you there:

SOUNDCLOUD

INSTAGRAM

APPLE PODCASTS

I hope you enjoy it, and would love to hear your thoughts if you get to it.

xo,

Christina

Click here for the book!

Podcast

I cannot say thank you enough to all who purchased, read, shared, and reread All We Can Do. I spent a week in tears listening to Marco Polos and reading screen shots and seeing highlighted portions. My dream was for the book (Jesus) to impact and touch people, to lighten loads, and I cannot say Thank You enough for it doing that. People I don’t even know find it, read it, and then buy 1-10 more copies for those they love. I am on cloud nine “saying nothing but repentance unto this generation” because in repentance all power lies.

Also,

I was on a podcast yesterday that went live today. I got to chat repentance (of course) with Randy on his Spiritual Survival podcast: Does grace save us AFTER "All We Can Do"? Ft Christina Judd | Spiritual Survival Ep 17

I hope you enjoy.

Full of gratitude,

Christina

IT'S HERE!!!!!!!

CLICK HERE TO SEE OR PURCHASE THE BOOK

#ALLWECANDOBOOK

CLICK HERE TO SEE OR PURCHASE THE BOOK

My book is PUBLISHED!

I AM A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!

I love every word of this book, these stories.

I wrote for me. And then, my girls.

If someone else gleans something of value from these pages, I will be forever thankful.

Thank you for your prayers, for sharing this life-changing journey with me.

Until the next one…

Christina

PS If you happen to read it, I would love to hear about it!

Photoshoots?!💥

Hi Everyone!

Lots of news over here 🩵

MY BOOK IS ALMOST DONE!!!!!! My editor and I are wrapping it up. It has an amazing cover, and will soon be formatead beautifully (thank you Brenda Bird!) It will be uploaded to Amazon SOON.

Also, my brother in law started a business! He’s creating and selling hat pins. Click here to see his website. The newest ones coming are rad!

AND! Since my book is done I’m taking on a couple photoshoots.

I have a wedding booked in Newport Beach in June and then I come to Seattle.

Newport Beach: June 9-11

I can take ONE family shoot.

Seattle: June 23-25

I will take FOUR Photoshoots (I shoot purely digital.)

Shoots can take place indoor, outdoor, whatever you want. They will last 45-60 minutes, and cost $300 (payable via Venmo).

Writing has become my favorite pastime. With this book almost out, I hope it’s the beginning of many more—starting with a children’s book my sister and I plan to collaborate on. And, I finally hope to get a podcast or two rolling that have been in the works!

As always, lots of big dreams, and lots more of trying to figure out how to make them happen!

I send my love to each of you, and hope to see you in Seattle 🤍

Christina

sacred ground

As Christ bled from every pore, I find His Father’s response to His son striking. In our Savior’s deepest agony, He poured out His true heart, I can’t do it. It’s too hard. Please take it away. Please don’t make me go through with it.

I recently heard what His Father did not say, “Make sure you’re reading your scriptures and saying your prayers. Do your family history and listen to conference talks. Serve others and go to the temple…” 

I imagined a Father sitting with His son, holding Him, silently near. I felt the space He held, wide open, for His son to honestly express what hurt, what He didn’t like, what He didn’t want to do. I sensed a Father’s stillness, the absent need to fix it, change it, or make it different. He just needed to be there.

I think of the angels who welcomed the extraordinary opportunity to minister to Jesus in His suffering. But what could they do? Almost nothing! They couldn’t make His burden light, couldn’t lessen the suffering, couldn't take His place, couldn't give advice that would make it better. They couldn’t do anything.

Neither did they need to. All that was needed was to be there. To sit. Wait. Watch. Be still. Be near. Be there while He endured the most difficult part of His mortal mission.

Maybe this is some of the most sacred ground we will tread: hearing hearts, honest hearts—the tender feelings not many divulge. 

The angels who accepted that sacred mission became witnesses to their God overcoming His own suffering, and that of an entire world. 

They got to be there.

momentum comes from Jesus

I have a favor to ask everyone: will you please pray for me to finish my book? It has been 3 years. I want to get it out already! I have two children’s books also in the works that I would like out of my head and into whoever’s hands who want them. But I need extra help!

Please and thank you thank you thank you! 

AnnieKate and MayMay,

This mama is full of mortality’s shortcomings, weaknesses, and frailties, but there is nothing of which I am more certain: Jesus Christ and repentance.

The last few weeks I have pondered momentum. 

Where does it come from? How do I get it? 

My recurring thoughts are: come as you are–slow, depleted, with a dead battery, even dead stagnant. It doesn’t matter because momentum comes from Jesus Christ, not works, or goals, or promises. Everything you need and want comes from Him, through repentance.

Culturally we hear “do more, be more, just try. Even if it’s small, do something. Momentum can’t arise from nothing, so start somewhere.”

But what about when I can’t?

One day you may find yourselves like me–crushing it: homeschooling, cooking delicious food, taking care of the baby, doing it all, for a whopping 2.53 seconds! And then, for reasons known or unknown, you find yourselves flat on your face, on the floor, flat as a pancake, no momentum anywhere in sight.

What now? When you lack the strength to get back up, when you don’t even want to, and when you can’t start small, when you don’t even want to, what then?

Consider my life experience and knowledge of Jesus Christ:

Momentum can (and does!) arise out of nothing. 

Momentum can (and does!) come regardless of what we are, or are not, doing. 

Momentum comes from Jesus through our repentance.

Momentum comes because of Jesus Christ, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

I am not Alpha—my beginning—He is! 

Even my momentum starts with Jesus.

The Savior has perfect momentum! So cry out every woe and difficulty and slipup. Cry out your paralysis. Cry out your pains and frustrations that keep you from being who you want to be and doing what you want to do. 

Girls, never forget! You cry until momentum comes. You cry until you are moving in the direction you want to go. And you don’t stop crying until change and miracles come. This is repentance–crying until change and miracles come (Alma 34, 33, 32). This is repentance— “looking to Him in every thought.” Every, every, every thought, regardless of how good or bad, happy or sad.

Jesus is Alpha and Omega–the beginning and end of everything you wish to be, everything you want to do. When you have nothing to give He puts you in motion, not because of what you’ve done but because of everything He did.

He is Alpha, your kickstart, your jumpstart: a “...connection to electrical power…or another source of current; -- an emergency procedure used when a vehicle's own battery has insufficient power to start the vehicle normally. …a speedy start to (an activity) using the assistance of some external impetus...”

When your battery is dead and you have no momentum, when you don’t even want momentum, repentance plugs you into the source of infinite power, infinite momentum, Jesus Christ.

Don’t get hung up on what you need to do, what you’re not doing, what you think you should be doing. Don’t look to yourself in every thought, “look unto Him in every thought”. Send every thought and feeling and problem to Him, every time it arises (repentance). He will do His work: He will send momentum, miracles, and change, even when your battery is dead and you couldn’t be any more stagnant.

When you start to think of what you’re not, “always remember Him” and all He is. Wait for Him, wait on Him, crying out until momentum comes.

I love you. He loves you most, 

Your Mama