fall travel sessions + birthday discount

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING.

I love my birthday. While I love a rockin’ pachanga, this year I am super content with the simple life. I want Tyler to keep working his buns off to ace his class, so the girls and I may drive to Santa Cruz, sit on the beach, eat treats, and soak in all the seconds of it. My heart is happy dreaming up adventures.

Here’s the gritty truth:

Me encanta mi cumpleaños. Si bien amo una pachanga, este año estoy súper contenta con la vida simple. Mientras Tyler se esfuerza bastante sacar buenas noticas en su clase, las chicas y yo tal vez vamos a Santa Cruz a sentarnos en la playa a comer postres. Mi corazón está feliz soñando con aventuras.

Aquí está la verdad áspera:

After coming home from Utah a couple weekends ago, I had a beautiful day with Tyler and the girls. That night I don’t know what happened but I melted down. My meltdowns, by default, always go to God. All I could get out through ugly tears was, “I’m so bad at this. I hate being a mom. I’m terrible. It’s too hard. I don’t like it. I’m not meant for momlife. I don’t want to do this. I’m so bad at this…” After my amen I climbed into bed (ya…my brain is a special place…).

Después de regresar a casa desde Utah hace un par de fines de semana, tuve un hermoso día con Tyler y las niñas. Esa noche no sé qué pasó, pero me derretí. Mis derrumbes, por defecto, siempre van a Dios. Todo lo que pude llorar a través de las lágrimas fue: "Soy tan mala en esto. Odio ser madre. Soy terrible. Es muy dificil. No me gusta. No estoy hecho para la vida familiar. No quiero hacer esto. Soy tan mala en esto …” Después de mi amén, me acosté en la cama (si, mi cerebro es un lugar especial).

Two days later the girls and I went on our massive bike trek. It was over the course of those two days that I realized: “I HAVE TO HAVE ADVENTURES. I lose my mind when I am home. If I am not outside moving my body, my children moving theirs, my brain BREAKS.” It was so perfect being outside, forced to do hard work. I think I keep trying to fit a different mom mold: happy with my children around me the whole summer, happy they are little and want and need me, happy when they ask to snuggle every night… But I am floundering in that mentality! That is not where my strengths lie. It’s hard to let the version of the mom I envisioned go, and accept the version I feel I am: hands off, with high expectations, and mostly adventure driven! Tyler’s strengths are in humor — he turns everything into a game and everyone laughs the entire time — while I prefer to be entertained just as much as my children.

Dos días después, las chicas y yo fuimos en nuestra caminata masiva en bicicleta. Fue durante esos dos días que me di cuenta: “TENGO QUE TENER AVENTURAS. Me pongo completamente loca cuando estoy en casa. Si no estoy afuera moviendo mi cuerpo, mis hijas moviendo el de ellas, mi cerebro se rompe!” Fue tan perfecto estar afuera, forzado a hacer un trabajo duro. Creo que sigo intentando encajar en un modelo de mamá diferente: feliz con mis hijos a mi alrededor todo el verano, felices que son pequeños y que me quieren y que me necesitan, felices cuando piden acurrucarse todas las noches ... ¡Pero estoy hundiendo en esa mentalidad! Ahí no están mis fortalezas. Es difícil dejar ir la versión de la mamá que imaginé, y aceptar la versión que siento que soy: manos libres, con altas expectativas, ¡y feliz cuando guiada por la aventura! Las fortalezas de Tyler están en el humor: convierte todo en un juego y todos se ríen todo el tiempo. Todavía sigo pensando que así debo ser yo, en vez de hacer lo que nos sirve a mí y a mis hijas.

If I am not actively making adventures happen outside, my brain has too much time to wander, to think, to sink! and for me it’s problematic.

Si no estoy haciendo que las aventuras nos pasen, mi cerebro tiene demasiado tiempo para vagar, para pensar, y para mí es completamente problemático.

So I planned a million adventures, filled up every week of the summer! The thought alone speaks peace to my soul. So maybe we will spend my birthday adventuring around Santa Cruz. Maybe paddle boarding the river. Whatever we choose it all happens on the 16th.

Which means everyone who wants it has

6 days to purchase a family photo session at 16% off!

Así que planifiqué un millón de aventuras! Cada semana del verano está llena! El pensamiento solo me habla paz a mi alma. Así que tal vez pasamos mi cumpleaños de aventuras en Santa Cruz. Tal vez remar a bordo del río. Lo que elijemos, todo sucede el día 16. Lo que significa es que quien lo quiera tiene

6 DIAS PARA COMPRAR UNA SESION DE FOTOS FAMILIARES A 16% DESCUENTO!

Happy Birthday to me!

ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Aug 8-11 (2 more photoshoots)

HONOLULU, HI: Aug 19-24 (2 more photoshoots)

SEATTLE, WA: Sept 6-8 (2 more photoshoots)

SANTA CRUZ, CA: Oct 1-5

NORCAL+RENO+TAHOE: Always

Photoshoots in each city are first come first served. Payment options available so it’s easy!

CONTACT ME HERE TO SCHEDULE

(I’ve never been to Honolulu, or Hawaii at all!! Please send all non-touristy things to do!! And food — send all the foodie food!)

Here are my parents who sacrifice everything they have and are for their children and those they love.

Sunset Huntington Beach 2018.

Annie’s Birthday 2019

Our pond

Portra 160

120mm

For the photogs: Portra 800. Indie Film Lab and Goodman Film Lab. Pentax 645nii and Canon 1v.

a memorial of her

1. A partir de ahora, mis blogs estarán escritos en inglés y español. La versión en español sigue abajo. Siento que mi traducción no es muy buena - espero mejorarla con tiempo. Para ser rápido esta noche, utilicé el traductor de google con mas de los párrafos, pero en el futuro lo haré por mi misma.

   2. UTAH - I can still squeeze in one more shoot! I come prepared with images planned so our entire focus is on having fun! You don’t have to think, or parent, or anything but snuggle up. I’ll do the heavy lifting. I know photos are stressful, we went through it last weekend. Even I forget how everyone is screaming at each other beforehand and you’re late and you know you’re going to forget something and you sell your soul to your children like Jim Gaffigan talks about in this clip! But then you get the dreamiest images back and you hardly remember traffic, missing exits, crossing the Golden Gate Bridge multiple times, paying extra tolls, showing up barely on time, how you’ve never been more mad at your family… Not like that happened to us, we never get mad at each other. Anyway, click here when you are ready to book!

My orange babies of the sun,

We have been caring for Mema the past two weeks while Pa and Gramma have been out of town. As she lives in the late stages of Alzheimers we, alongside family and Hospice and a host of other helpers who have come to the rescue, have tended to her every need. Caring for the elderly is an invitation to sacred ground, and I had a moment with her yesterday I wanted to remember.

To give some background to my thoughts I’ll start with a story I read last night in the bible:

Just before Jesus went to the garden of Gethsemane - to feel every pain and hurt and sadness and mistake anyone could ever experience - He was at dinner with his disciples (in the home of a leper). A woman came “with very precious ointment, and poured it on his head.”

Jesus said to those around him, “she did it to prepare me for my burial. Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.”

In other words: wherever anyone is teaching about Christ, His life and death, the story will also be told of the woman who came to her Savior to anoint His head with costly oil in preparation for what was to come. And by this simple act she will be remembered throughout history.

This is the power that is in you: your seemingly insignificant acts span eternity.

I took baby cousin Ella into Mema’s room last night. Mema was having hard day (she has always been fiery and up and doing and helping and loving and caring for someone, apart from Alzheimers, being bedridden seems to take its own toll on her mind.) I laid baby Ella on her back on top of Mema so their cheeks were touching. I whispered, “This is your baby Elouise, like Nancy Louise. This is your youngest great-grandbaby.” Mema, always keenly aware of a tiny one within reach, had wide eyes and I could feel she was a little surprised. I felt she was trying to soak in all of her baby. I would say softly, “Can you smell her? She’s looking at you.” Mema kept trying to put the blanket over Ella’s tiny squirming legs and continued cooing at her while kissing her cheek, “Oh, sweet baby…”

I held Ella there for what seemed a long while; time always seems to slow in sacred moments. Ella was calm, wiggly, content, turning to Mema, toward me, back to Mema — the setting sun showering the room in its grandeur.

And then that night I read those lines, “that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.” The holy spirit whispered to me, “Ella will not know this powerful woman whose granddaughters admire her for who she is, all that she did: have her own babies, go back to school, get a masters, become a school counselor, help struggling children for decades with a brilliant sense of humor, all in a time unpopular to do so. She did not do any of this for accolades, she did these things because she felt them in her! She had power. No one could have diverted her course — she wouldn’t have allowed it. Small step by small step, one seemingly insignificant day after another, she used her love and determination to magnify her gifts. In so doing she will leave a legacy that already spans her children’s lives, their children’s lives, their children’s lives, and on forever. When she is ready to graduate mortality, she will have left a legacy in us, and she will be passed on to every generation, every daughter, every child, that comes after her. 

This was my lesson from the woman who sought her Savior: we have so much power in us that will effect every generation after us, but only we can activate it. No one else can take the steps for us. So when your days feel monotonous and insignificant I hope you hear the Savior say to you, “there shall also this, that [Annie and Kate] hath done, be told for a memorial of her.” 

I love you, my beautiful girls.

love, mama

Scriptures come from Matthew 25:6-13 Bible KJV

Utah! Todavía tengo espacio para una sesión más, 18/19 de Mayo.

Mis niñas q’ me vienen del sol,

Hemos estado cuidando a la Mema por las dos semanas pasadas, mientras Pa y Gramma han estado afuera. Como tiene el Alzheimers, nosotros (con bastantes ayudantes) somos los que le han ayudado en cada cosita. El cuidar los mayores ha sido una invitacion para mi a tierra sagrada, y me gustaria compartir una experiencia q’ me pasó ayer.

Anoche leí en la Biblia en Matteo. Antes q’ Cristo fue al jardín a sufrir toda enfermedad y pecado, él se cenó con sus dicipulos a casa de un leproso. Una mujer se enfrentó con él y empesó a ungirlo con aceite de gran precio.

Jesús dijó a los demás, “De cierto os digo que dondequiera que se predique este evangelio, en todo el mundo, también se contará lo que esta ha hecho, para memoria de ella.”

En otras palabras, por ese acto muy simple que hizo esta mujer, será recordada a lo largo de la historia.

Este es el poder en tí, y en mi! Tus actos, sean simples, serán recordadas por toda la eternidad.

Anoche llevé a la prima bebé Ella a la habitación de Mema. Mema estaba teniendo un día difícil (ella siempre ha sido ardiente y despierta, ayudando y amando y cuidando a todos. Aparte de la enfermedad de Alzheimer, estar postrado en cama parece tener su propio precio en su mente). Acosté la bebé con Mema por lo que sus mejillas se estaban tocando. Le susurré: "Esta es tu bebé Elouise, como Nancy Louise. Esta es tu bisabuela más chiquita.” Mema, siempre muy consciente de una pequeña a su alcance, tenía los ojos muy abiertos y yo podía sentir que estaba un poco sorprendida. Sentí que ella estaba tratando de absorber a todo su bebé. Diría suavemente: "¿Puedes olerla? Te está mirando.” Mema siguió tratando de poner la manta sobre las pequeñas y retorcidas piernas de Ella y continuó arrullándola mientras la besaba en la mejilla, “Oh, dulce bebé ... " segía…

Mantuve a Ella allí por lo que pareció un largo rato; el tiempo siempre parece ralentizarse en los momentos sagrados. Ella estaba tranquila y contenta, y se volvió hacia Mema, hacia mí, de vuelta a Mema, la puesta de sol inundando la habitación con su grandeza.

Y luego, esa noche, leí esas líneas, "se contará lo que esta ha hecho, para memoria de ella." El espíritu santo me susurró: "Ella no conocerá a esta mujer poderosa cuyas nietas la admiran por lo que es, todo lo que ella hizo: tener sus propios bebés, volver a la escuela, obtener una maestría, convertirse en consejera escolar, ayudar a los niños con dificultades por décadas con un brillante sentido del humor, todo en un momento impopular para hacerlo. Ella no hizo nada de esto por elogios, ¡hizo estas cosas porque las sintió en si! Ella tenía poder. Nadie podría haber desviado su curso, ella no lo habría permitido. Paso a paso, un día tras otro, aparentemente insignificante, usó su amor y determinación para magnificar sus dones. Al hacerlo, dejará un legado que ya abarca las vidas de sus propios hijos, hijos de ellos, e hijos de ellos para siempre. Cuando esté lista para graduarse de la mortalidad, dejará un legado en nosotros que pasará a cada generación, a cada hija, a cada niño, que venga después de ella.

Esta fue mi lección de la mujer que buscó a su Salvador: tenemos tanto poder en nosotros que afectará a todas las generaciones después de nosotros, pero solo nosotros podemos activarla. Nadie más puede dar los pasos por nosotros. Así que cuando sus días se sientan monótonos e insignificantes, espero que escuche al Salvador decirle: "también habrá esto, que [Annie y Kate] han hecho, que se les diga un memorial de ella".

Las amo, mis niñas hermosas,

con amor, mama

my pool of bethesda

I am crazy for this blog of mine! It has evolved into a series of open letters to my powerful girls. This space will forever be for my heart, and all are welcome.

Today’s letter is addressed to both of my babies.

AnnieKate!

While you were sleeping I had a powerful experience reading a story in John, and I could hardly wait to share.

One day Jesus found himself beside the pool of Bethesda. Many congregated here because they believed it possessed healing qualities — when the water bubbled, whoever was first in the pool was healed!

Jesus addressed a man who had been unable to walk for 38 years! I imagine the man spent much of his time watching everyone else be healed. Jesus asked him, “Wilt thou be made whole?”

The man, not recognizing the Savior, answered, “Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.”

Lights seemed to turn on in my head and their short conversation struck me! This interaction became a lesson on Introspection, Trust, No More Excuses, and always, Faith in Christ.

The man told himself: “I would be made whole, but I can’t.” In other words: I can't walk. I move slowly. Everyone beats me. I've already tried it and when I try I fail. I have made multiple attempts and they did not work.”

Without hesitation Christ says, “Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.”

The man packed up his bed and walked away! But was he free of every problem every day after?! Nope! Was he "whole" right away?! Nope!

But he could walk!

My lesson from the pool of Bethesda was: no excuses; keep a steady closeness to the Savior, no matter how weak, unfit or unable I feel. He will do the rest.

Girls, in your attempts to “dream big and after you’ve done that dream bigger,” will you kick perfectionism and quick results to the curb?!

In seeking Him who makes you whole, your first miracle might be “getting your legs back.” But others will follow! You may witness one at a time, but over the course of your life - miracle by miracle - He will enlighten your mind and soften your heart, helping you become exactly who you were born to be. And He will do it because He loves you, because He is perfect.

Sometimes our invitations to “be made whole,” come via another’s voice, and they can be hard to recognize. Your mind might play tricks on you and say, "Well, actually there's this thing I have...it’s hard...and that thing...then this other thing happens...and no one is helping me.... But, yes! When I clear this all up then I will come and ‘be made whole!’"

If you will instead say,

"Yes, I’ll choose faith to be made whole. I will take the smallest possible step toward healing. And when I try and it doesn't seem to work I'm going to try again! And no matter how many times I fall I will not stay there! I know the Savior’s way fills me with happiness that spans the eternities, so I'm going to keep trying so He can mold me into exactly who I want to become,"

you will never be wrong.

It does not matter how many detours you take, how many times you slip up or fall down,

it is in your turning toward Him, again and again and again, that He makes you whole.

That is saving grace.

One word of caution: beware the differences between shame and guilt! Guilt feels like: I made a mistake but when I say “I’m sorry” I am filled with confidence, unity, happiness — I am healed. Shame feels like: I am bad. I have made too many mistakes, there is no going back. I am not worthy of love, blessings or forgiveness.

Shame lies. And shame never comes from God.

For now you live in an imperfect world and you will lose your footing. When that happens, hear Christ at the Pool of Bethesda saying to you, “Annie/Kate, Rise, take up thy bed and walk.” He is always helping you, one miracle at a time, even when you don’t see them right away — Bethesda does mean house of mercy or house of grace after all.

Never give up on yourself, your faith, your God. He knows exactly how you feel, all of the time, and He will pick you up as many times as you need.

I love you with all of me.

He loves you always.

Mama

If someone comes to your mind as you read these posts please feel free to share them. I would love for anyone who needs this to find it.

To subscribe to future blog posts click here.

SEATTLE: I’m coming back in June when the babies are born!!

UTAH: I’ll be there in May.

This is where you book your very own snuggle sesh/hang out/photoshoot!

Click here to ask any questions in the world (though I may only have answers for .00000001% of them ;)), or to share your thoughts with me. I listen better than I talk and I would love to hear your heart!

(Side note on this Sister Pic my dreams are made of: my girls have been wearing their hand-me-downs for years!!)

xo, Christina

Portra 400

Ilford Delta 3200

Pentax 645nii

Canon 1V

The sun

A family who says yes to it all, smiling the whole time

Goodman Film Lab

Little Things

While our family was in town last week we spent an evening watching “The Office.” Pam said, “No big reason. Just a lot of little reasons.” That’s how I feel about life currently - in love with it for the little reasons. I secretly hope I have acquired the peaceful, mindful attitude of a 60 year old woman: life is good and beautiful and happy and peaceful and don’t fill it up with too much extra stuff and family is the most important thing and hug and kiss and tickle and squeeze your people a million times every day.

Also,

One afternoon I was randomly reading a section of John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” The part I read talked about how marriages have the greatest success when the couples focus on what they are doing well - what brought us together? That stuck with me because I have been thinking about people - I am trying to train my brain to focus on what is going right - what I do well. I believe when we spend too much time focusing on what we need to improve we get sucked into a hole that doesn’t feed our mind, body, or spirit. I just wonder what would happen if I paid more attention to recognizing and celebrating my strengths, I’m practicing it anyway! And then maybe I’ll use them to help my partner, family, neighbors, etc. That’s a big deal to me.

I’m in the process of writing all of the strengths of each member of my family and posting it somewhere. I want the constant reminder of our gifts - our talents - front and center. I wonder if it will help me be more “other focused” instead of “self focused.” I just am interested in seeing where it leads us…

Lastly,

I want to blog once a week. This is the start of it. I take gazillions of pictures. Everything on film always. I want to share my pictures, creations, art, thoughts without much reservation. I’m going to worry less, think less, and send more stuff out into the universe solely because it brings me joy.

Seattle, Bay Area, Utah, My mind is reeling! I’m starting to not be able to sleep at night ‘cause your pictures keep me up. The flutter in my stomach tells me it’s going to be oh, so good. I’m thinking about you, planning for you, and am so, so proud of you for laying down your fears and doubts and insecurities to say YES to preserving these unmatchable and completely irreplaceable days.

Muy buenas noches,

Christina

A Goosie Girl and a Momma

On Sunday at church Kate was sitting on Tyler's lap. She was on a giggle fest and he, of course, was loving it, cracking up because she was cracking up and I was sitting on the sidelines enjoying it all while also shooting Tyler keep-her-quieter-you're-egging-her-on looks, as Annie lay asleep in my lap.

It was a beautiful moment followed up with this thought: "Those two have a special bond - they giggle like madmen, are both big teases, and they have way too much fun together and..." Then I thought, "Wait! Kate and I (capital "i") have a special bond! She is crazy about me! Wait!" And as I went down the line of every family member, I could see: "That's her spiritual gift! To make everyone feel like they are the most important person in the world!" She says just the right things with all the right feelings combined with tight squeezes around your neck and kisses and random, "Mama, I love you so much." or other random, "Thank you so much, mama."

That has been her way since she was TINY! I can still remember her frequent, unprompted, "Tay-too, mama"s as I gave her milk or food or wrapped her in a blanket. She felt gratitude in each of those simple moments and expressed it freely - I could, and still do!, feel her sincerity, appreciation. Making a sacrifice for another is effortless for her. She came out of me that way - sweet and snuggly and funny, a natural class clown.

There was another part of her though, a sad part. Even as a baby she would scream for endless hours of the day and night without anyone or anything able to console her. No amount of rocking, bouncing, or feeding helped. We had a running joke when she was content, "Don't look at her and don't talk about her." As soon as anyone made a peep about her she would start wailing all over again.

Sometimes Tyler would come home from work, sling her tiny body completely over his shoulder and go about his business, hands-free, helping with dinner, playing with Annie, cleaning up the house, sitting in the kitchen entryway chatting with me while I washed dishes. She was content there - but only with him.

She is naturally very mindful - present, can never be rushed - overflowing with unique qualities of easily withholding judgment and spreading endless amounts of love, allowing her to make each person with her feel they are the most important person in the world. She is filled to the brim with gifts and talents and love and gratitude - an old soul in a tiny, orange body.

And, sometimes she also gets sad. Like when she melted down yesterday.

***I wrote the next part last night but it didn't feel complete. This morning I added the backstory (the above) which adds to the story of our lives, dynamics that will evolve, grow, change, over time, and I don't want to miss a detail.***

This one had an epic meltdown today. When she gets into a rage there is no coercing, no easing her out. She goes to the depths. All I can do is leave her alone, and only she can bring herself back. Her tantrums don’t happen often, but when they do they are increasingly worse: stronger, louder, heavier, sadder. 

I’m kind of a patient person. I handle them OK, until I’m in public and she loses it. Then all I think about is how everyone starring might be thinking about I should parent. All I can think about is what they are thinking and then I have to work reeeaallllyyy hard to ask myself, “If there were no one looking, watching, listening what would I do? What would I say?” I have to pretend she and I are completely alone.

Today it was a man sweeping his concrete - he said nothing, did nothing, kept sweeping around us, as I sat on his lawn trying to keep Kate from running away (This was the first time she has melted down by a busy street and I couldn’t keep her locked in the car. She kept screaming and escaping and running.) So then I had to hold her, which is worse, because she screams louder trying to tear herself from my arms. There is no talking, no reasoning, no anything. 

So I automatically think the worst: Does he think I should spank her into submission? Show her who’s boss? Make her learn that feeling nothing is better than feeling sad and frustrated and out of control?

Then my heart races, tears well up, and as I sit holding my screaming-bloody-murder child as “neutrally” as I can, my mind wanders to all the babies who don’t have someone holding them while they hurt. Then it goes to other scary places of what this scenario will look like in a few years. Who or what will she run to?

And I wait. I wait for my brain to think of something, anything to do next. I wait for her to come to. I wait for the seconds that feel like hours. I wait for a passerby to give a dirty look or say something that stings.

I don't remember how I got her back in the car alone while a friend loaded my stuff for me.

And then, finally, I heard a sobbing whimper, “Mommy? Mommy?” I turned and saw her arms stretched out wide, big, blue eyes billowed up and overflowing with alligator tears. My sweet babe letting me come to the rescue. 

My first thought is always the same: “Wow - we made it through another one.”

I quickly scooped her up and she squeezed my neck and I tried to wrap as much of me around her as I could and she cried and cried and all I could say was, “I love my beautiful Goosie so much. I’m so sorry you are sad.”

I stood rocking her back and forth, rubbing her back and waiting for her to breathe steadily again. I kissed her wet cheeks, peacefully buckled her in her seat, and drove away sweaty, my heart still pounding out of my chest, my own tears about to pour out in buckets. Tears for me, tears for her, tears for all the babies and all the mommies who are sad.

And we drove to daddy’s work because, “Mommy? I want to go see daddy? Can we go see daddy at his wohhrk?”

“Of course, Goosie.”

It was dark. I pushed this Portra 800 to some crazy limits. #blessfilm