Only love...

"Only love can be divided endlessly and still not diminish."

Anne Marrow Lindbergh (Author of one of my favorite books of all time, Gift from the Sea)

Newness

In its purest form.

Where darkness melts into light...

Where darkness melts into light

Lines meet and quickly fade.

Expectations dissolve and

Given new ears I hear

The melody she sings

When not confined to the shadows.

There is an artist, photogtapher, writer I love, Amy Grace, who is the master of combining words and photos. I want to be a better writer - and reader - and put my thoughts down, especially in a way that specifically makes sense me. Here is my attempt and poetry; I hope it's a lifelong friendship.

"...to the core."

 "...we love each other, to the core." That is how Kennedy describes the love she and Chris share.

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle, comings and goings, and stuff that presents itself in our relationships, it can be hard to remember that we loved one another "to the core." Somehow those moments, mistakes, or habits, become more important than the person we love, or once loved. 

While it is work, and was not meant to be easy, I am sure the growing pains will have unified us. When we are old and gray, and he paints my fingernails and feeds me oatmeal (not to mention changes my diapers), the hard stuff will be nothing more than a distant memory.  

This is my reminder to recommit to choose love.

To always choose love.

Love You Forever

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "this kid is driving me CRAZY!"

But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was nine years old. And he never wanted to come in for dinner, he never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited he always said bad words. Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the zoo!

But at night time, when he was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!

But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town.  If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always...

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be.

When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Love you Forever by Robert Munsch

Love at Home

“After all," Anne had said to Marilla once, "I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” 

L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Who I Truly Am

"I may always feel subject to the forces of echolocation, moving to and from experience and reflecting back again, but like the bat I can determine outcome. I do this in every thought and in every action. Every day I have to inventory the messaging. Edit and rewrite. At times there may be a little retrofitting to get the landscape to better reflect my desired outcome, but I have to do it again and again until it is true. Until all of the messages rattling around in the sound chambers of my mind are reflective of who I truly am. Simply charming, vastly likeable, perfectly self-deprecating and absolutely wonderful! As for now I am happy to be a work in progress."

Maran Hanley, Echolocation of the Soul: A New Perspective on Identity

I love her words. The complete article can be found here. Here she is, enveloped in the eyes and hands and love of those who are lucky to call her wife and mom.

"The Clock Man"

"How much will you pay for an extra day?"

The clock man asked the child.

"Not one penny," the answer came,

"For my days are as many as smiles."

"How much will you pay for an extra day?"

He asked when the child was grown.

"Maybe a dollar or maybe less,

For I've plenty of days of my own."

"How much will you pay for an extra day?"

He asked when the time came to die.

"All of the pearls in all of the seas,

And all of the stars in the sky."

Shel Silverstein

When the wild and crazy of children stills and I await distant FaceTime calls, I know I'll be telling anyone who will listen that I would give, "All of the pearls in all of the seas, And all of the stars in the sky" to have it all back: tiny arms squeezing my neck, middle of the night whimpering from babes wanting my bed, and the constant tugging on my legs while shouting, "Mama, come pway and dance wid me!" 

Mamabird

"You should not have come today. It's a free day, for everyone to enjoy." The lady who stopped our photoshoot to continually lecture me about how I - and the other photographers - should not be there in their way.

"Moooommmmm!!!!! She turned it off and we LOOOSSSTTTT IT!" Ashton and Oliver when I turned off Pokémon Go to take pictures and they didn't catch their Pokèmon (which now I feel bad about.)

"I want this to be what it is - Brenda is the star of the show." Lorin looking at my camera after the session.

At least we ended on a good note - a really good note!                

In the Rain

"Ian and I coming out of the fog." That's what Katie said in response to what the perfect shot from this session would look like. I'd say the fog of an infant hasn't phased them at all; they are gorgeous people cloaked in fall and leaves and rain - everything Seattle does best. Add that sweet baby M + Bosco. Total heartstoppers.

Love and Choice

"If we did not have moral agency we would simply be puppets manipulated by the strings of fate. ...the great purpose of mortality is to learn. [Faith] is a spiritual gift...and it always requires that we act first, and then the power comes. We don't know where to go, we don't know what to do. But my trust in Him enables me to act. He blesses me with His power, that confidence increases, we then can ultimately navigate the most difficult circumstances in life, knowing that we will never be alone, and we will always have His help.

"The greatest gift that the Father gave to us was His Son, and the gift that comes to us through the Savior's atonement is agency. So agency is central to the Father's plan, and it is the capacity to act and learn from our own experiences. That is the very essence and purpose of being here in mortality." a 3-minute video by David Bednar

The greatest lesson I have learned in my life is: This life is about love. If I am not loving, I am not doing it right.

The greatest gift we have is the gift of the atonement, from which I am bestowed the gift of choice. My greatest job is to love, no matter another's choice.

I love this family. This is my family. And their photos tell a perfect story.

Greenlake at Dusk

This family was one of the very first families I ever photographed - bless them for coming back for more. One year has passed since I started this gig. I have learned so much and have connected with people I now love, who I never would have met otherwise. My photos have been sent out to the world via blogs, The Wall Street Journal, and plain 'ol Instagram and Facebook. When I see canvases in peoples' homes I still cannot believe I was the one who took the picture. This was a dream I never saw turning into this much of a reality.

These photos of Kristi and Mike wrapped in each others' arms, E being kissed over and over again by his mama, and his swinging in his dad's arms, are all the things that make me love what I get to do. I am giddy inside thinking of what the coming year will bring. XOXO.

Just Playing

These images are some of the most meaningful I have ever taken, for a few reasons. First, Annie was one of my mission companions, and is one of my closest friends - you know the person you don't have to explain anything to and they get exactly what you are talking about? You can go months without chatting and then as soon as you talk it's as if you had been hanging out every day the whole week previous. I wish we lived next door to her and her amazing husband and beautiful baby girl. I may or may not have named my Annie-girl after her...

These pictures are also significant to me because they are a sign of major progression on a path to creativity. I want to be an artist - one who paints memories and feelings with her camera. I have been doing mentoring with Samantha Kelly - a photographer I look up to so much, and let's be honest, who I want to be when I grow up (AND who is traveling to Seattle in June to take family photos, mine included. Oh ya, it gets better, she has a Bachelor's in painting and a Master's in Art Therapy. Aaaannnnnddd, she shoots 100% film!) A couple weeks ago she gave me homework assignments via a Google Skype session. I asked all of my questions, told her all of my fears, insecurities, and worries about photography, and she did nothing but infuse me with confidence and excitement. I put into practice the suggestions she offered and saw immediate results. These photos were born of my own brainstorming and creativity, and I could not be more pleased. I tried every angle to get these shots, free lensed, and used manual focus to do it (and did not drop everything in the sand!) I took risks without worrying about the outcome, and the outcome was 8 million times more than I could have imagined. 

Here's to best friends, realizing our dreams, and documenting all of the things that matter most in this short time called life.

Free. Completely, Passionatly, Blissfuly Free.

Do you think our happiness can be directly linked to our ability to love? I believe that; I believe that sometimes the measurement of our love is also the measurement of our happiness. 

What I think is hard about life, and motherhood, is that it constantly throws stuff in our face that disrupts our love, and in turn our happiness, and vice versa. With incessant demands placed on us and growing babies who constantly throw us out of our comfort zones, our home - what should be our "safe haven" - can at times feel a war zone, each one of us fighting for the love, the happiness, the caressing, the comfort we crave and long for. 

I have had tiny moments recently that have led to thoughts of, "I am sincerely enjoying this moment." A recent one was when I grabbed one of my girls to tickle her. I'm typically annoyed with their grabbing my face, "mom. mom. mom. mom. woot-at-me (look at me). mom. mom. mom. mooooom." I most likely haven't taken one breath by myself in 24 hours and am annoyed that if I start playing with them I'll have to keep playing with them forever and ever and everrrrr ('cause once you [start] the fun don't stop). But, this time that I grabbed Annie, I was filled with gladness to be to playing with her and tickling her. I was enjoying her laughter, her curls, her smiles, her happiness (the romance ended when she kicked me in the nose but at least now I know the happiness is in there somewhere.) Another moment was while doing dishes. I am always complaining about washing too many dishes and why haven't I been to Costco yet to buy 50 million bowls and plates and cups so I don't have to wash one more?! (By the way, Tyler and I have been married seven and a half years and have had a dishwasher for all of 3 months of those.) But this time I found myself genuinely happy while standing at the sink washing loads and loads of dishes. These moments have struck me because they are very, very unlike the norm. I now know that happiness is a feeling of peace and contentment that can come despite the circumstances - it comes over time, and can be difficult to find, and the moments come and go, but I feel refreshed that in the mundane there are pockets of joy to be found, and I have found some of them.

I am also beginning to enjoy mothering my babies; I feel happy to stay home with them, and I am not fighting to constantly get away from them and the feeling I am drowning, or they are smothering me, or something... I'm not saying I "love every single moment because it's going too fast" - definitely not that! And there are plenty of minutes and hours I want to scream and drive far away while they tantrum on the kitchen floor. But as our lives unfold together I find myself happy to love them and even happier to be their mom. The measurement of my love had increased, as has my happiness while I'm around them. My heart, and our home, suddenly feels lighter and more full of laughter and love.

I was almost brought to tears while photographing these three. During this hour together happiness took over and love was all that was known. Every worry and care went flying out a wide open window into a breeze waiting to catch and carry them away, far from our joy and laugher. Everyone practically skipped down the shadowed path that lead us to sun kissed waves, glittering sand, hazy mist, and a wide open beach to frolic and play. Few were the spoken words, and overflowing the emotions of closeness, remembrance, and peace, creating a moment and a memory unable to be forgotten.

Sweet, Sweet Baby O

This baby is sweeter than the sweetest sugar. When her gaze meets yours it seems she sees straight to your heart, studies it a tiny moment, then transfers bits of her light, happiness, beauty, peace, contentment, and sweetness straight to you, reminding you of all the things that make your own heart sing. She has just joined one of the loveliest families around, and has struck the jackpot with her two adoring older brothers. 

Cotaberts Family

Has your heart ever felt so full, so happy, wanting to explode with joy and excitement, so about to burst that it makes the world seem light as a feather - that you're floating along as if to have not a care in the world? I am there right now. I haven't felt this way over the last little while though, more the opposite: pressure, barely hanging on, unreachable expectations, drowning, heavy. For reasons I know and now recognize, but which I am learning to let waft past me. I now know how to recognize those hard moments and mentally and spiritually step aside so they flutter by hardly with my noticing them. I have a long blog post in my mind that I will write soon, but for now this family and the photos of them remind me of lightness, floating, free, acceptance, peace, progression, overcoming, and most importantly becoming.  

Desiree' Valdovinos: Dancer

Dance is all about creating lines with the body as if it were a sculpture or piece of art - it is about placement and grace combined. It requires drive, dedication, persistence, and pristine focus on attention and detail. Desiree' Valdovinos is a Seattle dancer of 18 years, primarily trained in ballet. She has danced professionally with Anaheim Ballet. Desiree' wanted some shots done for her portfolio and chose the perfect sunset location. She is incredible and makes the "grace and placement" part seem effortless.

Mia's Baptism Photoshoot

"To be loved, be lovable" is what her fortune said. Easy peasy for this girl.

"7 And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters. 8 And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives. 9 And it shall come to pass that whosoever doeth this shall be found at the right hand of God, for [she] shall know the name by which he is called; for [she] shall be called by the name of Christ." Mosiah 5:5-7, Book of Mormon

This adorable girl was recently baptized. Congratulations, Mia! I am so happy for you. You radiate love and goodness to everyone who surrounds you, and you spread happiness to those you may not even know. (There are a few 3-year olds especially who look up to you and if you are who they aspire to be the moms of those girls will have little worries.) 

Thank you for being a smart, sweet, and confident you. 

Summatime Shadow Play

Life is bright and promising. Last week we spent our time in Provo for graduation and this week we are passing the days playing with the hose and swimming in California. Our time is filled with family and friends and delicious food, and it makes home a happy place to be.

These photos are just because I want to take pictures every day; I want to practice what I love every day. Even if I only keep a few of the hundreds I easily take, I want to take more photos and play with light in all its forms. 

It's hot here, which means we spend all our time around water. Life tastes sweet and these photos remind me why I savor it..

A Tribute to My Mom

My mom never gives up on me. She always tells me I’m beautiful. She comes in and sits on my bed and rubs my arm, or my feet, or my back. She plays with my hair. She chats and she talks and she keeps everything fun. She tells stories of what is going on in her life and what she is learning about gardening and grafting plants and sewing and healthy living. She doesn’t care what anyone will think about what she says - she is honest. She has a personality unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and I’ve never appreciated it more than now. She will tell you the name of every plant you walk and drive by - their Latin name! My dad married a free spirit - he made the best choice. She drops everything to come with me or come and help me. My mom is always there when I’ve asked for her or needed her. She notices when something is on my mind, even when I don’t open up about it. She still concerns herself with my happiness. She is constantly full of faith. She never gives up her faith. ever. no matter what happens or has happened. She knows who the Savior is and she loves Him. She teaches me to love Him and reminds me that He is always in charge. She always says, “It will work out” and "Just pray about it." I used to be bugged when I would hear those words. It’s true though, it always does work out. Every time I'm around her I am more thankful for the steady reminder. My mom loves my girls, and she loves my husband. My girls love her equally in return and they shriek and squeal when the phone makes a FaceTime call to damma. They constantly say, “I doe damma house. we drive. no tomomow. wight now. no tomomow. doe damma house.” Usually followed up with an, “I eat ice keam. Eat ice keam damma house.” 

My mom loves her kids; she will do anything for her kids. My parents both give everything to their kids. Even now, retired, everything they do is for their kids and grandkids, and all of our futures. I grew up in a home full of love. I am sensitive now to my children capitalizing on my weaknesses, I wish I could hide them from them forever, be a perfect parent. I believe parents want their kids to know how much they love them, and parents want their kids to love them in return and appreciate the sacrifices they make for them. Parents want their kids to be forgiving of the areas they fall short. I understand that now.

I am thankful to have gone to San Diego with my mom. I am thankful to laugh with my mom. I’m thankful to hug her and tell her I love her. I hope I chose her to be my mom. If I didn’t, I’m forever thankful for the One who did.